Ignorance is NOT Bliss

I realized this a.m. that I had forgotten to take my Pill yesterday. It has been so long since I had been on the Pill, I had to go to the web for some instructions on what to do, which is to take the one as soon as you remember you forgot and then take your normally scheduled one...for anyone else afraid to ask.

The last time I was on the pill was for a few months after Max was born early 2002. I was so freaked out with the thought of two babies in my inexperienced care that it was one of the first things I got my OB to take care of for me. Little did I know how much having a newborn in the house was effective enough birth control for the average couple.

Anyway, after today I will have gone through one whole week of the Pill, leaving only two more time-defying weeks to go. I'm sure when Dr. M. said that it's ONLY for three weeks, she wasn't counting the hours and minutes while she golfed, swam, went to yoga classes, or whatever the heck she did to keep her trim little arms and legs buff. I swear she looks like a mini Linda Hamilton from her head to her toes with the exception that she is at the most 5'-2".

I keep thinking each time I was going in for my first round of IUI ultrasounds that I should ask her if she has any children as a way of breaking the ice, but I'm not sure if I want to know. I would think it's only fair for as "up close and personal" as she's getting with the US wand, she would be a little more free with her personal life. However, if she tells me that she has 4 all under the age of 10 (she's my age), I would be even more depressed as I can't seem to get rid of the back-fat from having 1 baby almost 4 years ago!

Maybe most REs don't think their patients are interested in their personal lives. It would be easy to believe the other patients are already so wrapped up in their own life's drama that they don't care anything about the RE except their medical capabilities. When I see Dr. M. again in two (long) weeks, I'll make sure to ask something personal about her as I would like to know more than just her name.

Isn't It Ironic?

Monday a.m. was a total bust. Instead of driving down to a friend's house the night before, I decided to get up at 5:00 AM to make the trip to my RE. After an unusual delay in the waiting room, I prepped myself for the baseline US and was initially excited when Dr. M. informed me that they were going to boost my Follistim to a higher dose. That excitement was immediately squelched when the US found two ovarian cysts, one on each ovary. I was devastated and Dr. M's words of wisdom, "Don't stress out, it's only 3 more weeks." for which I replied, "That's easy for you to say." did nothing for my mood.

Now I had been told when we were getting ready for my first IUI that if there were any cysts, I would have to wait another month AND take birth control pills. I didn't want to admit my ignorance and ask why and luckily, at that time, I didn't have to. Out of embarrassment, I didn't ask Monday, either. I stepped out of the exam room and was handed a month's supply of birth control pills with the instructions to call when my next period started. I walked out of the office choking back tears.

It wasn't until I got back home later in the afternoon that I was able to get my question about the cysts answered via the web. One of two things probably happened: 1) the follicles that were created from my first treatment with FSH did not release eggs and cysts formed; or 2) the eggs were released and then the cysts formed from the left-over follicle. Ovulation can aggrevate these cysts and potentially create more. Cysts left unchecked can grow, twist upon themselves and cause major problems. Ovarian cysts on pre-menstrual girls or post-menopausal women have a high percentage of being malignant. Cysts on anyone in between usually are benign. Since ovulation can aggrevate these cysts, birth control prevents ovulation, reducing my risks. From what I have read, it can be 1 - 3 months before cysts resolve themselves. I'm holding out for the one month option.

So...not only have Jerry and I been faced with the difficulties of getting pregnant when we want to, now I have to make sure we DON'T get pregnant by choking back the Pill! That's irony.

I had hoped that we would have been pregnant with a due date before Baby May 2005's due date. As of now, that little bit of comfort has flown the coop. At the rate we are going, I'm now thinking I'll be lucky to be due by my 39th birthday in July. How f***ing depressing is that!

Not only did I cry Monday, but did a little crying yesterday as well: Max started preschool. I took him to his classroom for his first day, and after he watched the teacher get down a box of cars for another 3 yr old wailing for his mommy, he was hooked on school. I kissed his head and snuck out of the room, again choking back tears. My baby is growing up.

2 Negatives Don't Make it Right

I took the HPT Thursday a.m. and shock and suprise! it was negative. Not only was it negative on Thursday, but Dr. M and Nurse W. insisted that I take it again this morning to verify as this was the scheduled date for the test. Because of the limited hours my RE has for doing the standard US and lab and the length of time it takes for me to drive there, it was impossible for me to get there after my negative test and take the baseline US, which will now be delayed until Day 6, Monday.

I'm miffed to say the least. I'm indignant that they made me go buy a HPT just to prove what I knew a week ago. I'm confused over the big deal of making sure I'm not pregnant after the first IUI, but they never ran a PG test before the procedure. I will now have lost 3 days of hormone therapy before I get to start.

It's incredible that it has been 9 months now since we have been trying and I thought the time would never pass. Before now I couldn't conceive (forgive the pun) how any couple could maintain this mind-numbing pace for years, living their lives in 2 week cycles. If I could convince some nice head-doc to let me drift through the two weeks after I ovulated on wellbutrin, or some other happy, happy drug that wouldn't get me hooked, I could snap out of it in time for a PG test and then drift over the next couple of weeks waiting again for the next big O.

I'm thinking Max wouldn't find me so much fun if I was comatose, especially when he was so concerned about Mommy being sick after the MC. I don't think I would have ever got out of bed if it wasn't for his little voice asking me, "Are you going to get better?" How could I have ever said no even when I felt like saying it?

I'll have to look at the bright side: these few days off from the hormones will give my zit-prone skin a break.

Sad Reminder

This morning I started spotting, my body's warning to make sure I pack the appropriate number of tampons/pads for the week. I called my RE's office and spoke to the Nurse W.. She said it was possible that it was just spotting and not the start of my period so I should continue with the suppositories (which I stopped doing a week ago) and take the HPT on the scheduled date of 8/20.

I told her I was fairly confident that I was not pregnant and that my period was imminent. I wanted to make sure that if I had to make that 2 1/2 hour drive, I was able to give a heads up to my employer. But Nurse W. said IF my flow did start, to take the HPT tomorrow a.m. first thing and call with the results.

Later in the afternoon, my "spotting" had turned to "flow." I called the RE again and spoke to Nurse W. to confirm it was Day 1. To make things easier for me, she said I wouldn't have to come in until Day 3, which is when I would start the Follistim again. They would do the baseline US Friday a.m.. BUT, she still wanted me to do the HPT. Seemed to me a waste of a perfectly good test I could use as a "cheater," but now I better make sure I can prove to her that I'm not pregnant.

Ironically, it was this time EXACTLY last year that Jerry and I conceived Baby May. It's hard to believe that the days, weeks, and then months have dragged by and brought us back to where we started. It's one of the many anniversary dates coming up that will be especially painful reminders to what never will be.

Botox cured my PMS!

Today I am totally in the "down phase" of my PMS, taking away the 1% chance that I was clinging to that I may really be pregnant, just not showing the typical signs. I even decided to keep my appointment for botox.

Now before anyone thinks how vain I must be, this is the scoop: back in March, I attended a local non-for-profit company's money-raising event. They had a botox consult and treatment on one of the silent-auction items that no one had bid on last year so I thought if I could get it at the starting price, it would be a steal. So there I was at the end of the night holding a gift-certificate for botox.

After months of putting it off because I was sure that "this time" I was pregnant, I asked my RE who said I might as well get it done before I get pregnant as opposed to after as the pregnant female body tends NOT to process things the same way it does not pregnant.

I kept the little ice pack they used to numb the space between my brows (my trouble spot). I think it will be a nice to use on my thighs when I start up the lovely Follistim later this week. As an added benefit to the whole thing, a day later those little worry lines have met their match. My RE was right, this initiation to botox was just a way to suck me in for more. No wonder so many get it done.

Now for the next few months, I'll look worry-free on the outside while I'm completely stressing out on the inside. I'm sure that can't be good.

Virgin (to my own blog)

Forgive me if my first attempt to do my own blogging (instead of being a "lurker" to other's) seems stilted and cumbersome, if not down-right boring! I bore myself with my open discussions with fellow co-workers about the joy of progesterone suppositories and graphic descriptions of our first IUI on 8/6. They proceed to tell me that I shouldn't get so down as I should be lucky/happy that I have one healthy child.

I have no idea why people think that comment makes any sense as I feel even more grateful for having X then if I had no child at all and was struggling with infertility. It was a wake-up call to my husband, Mr. DD, and I how much of a miracle he is and how so many billions of things have to go just right in order to give birth to a baby.

...anyway...I stopped taking the progesterone within 4 days of the procedure as I just knew that it was a waste of a good panty-liner. I've been pregnant twice now and the signs I were hoping for were not there: sore boobs, darkening nipples, swelling labia (reads like a porn story, doesn't it?) etc., so I figured I would save them for next time.

I will call my RE (Dr. M.) sometime in the upcoming week to find out what we are to do next. She has been wonderful so far and I'm grateful after reading about so many who were either rude, uncaring, fat-fingered or all of the above. Her office is 100 miles away, a 2 1/2 hour drive from my small town, pop. 20,000 in rural town west of the Mississippi.

For now, I'm gearing myself up for round 2 IUI with my Follistim pen.