Thursday, May 25, 2006

No. 194 - Fertiles Say the Darndest Things!

We attended a BBQ Friday nite at the house of a couple Mr. DD and I met a couple years ago and became friends with. They are sickeningly sweet and wholesomely Christian: he is a podiatrist (Dr. SSWC) and she is a substitute teacher (Mrs. SSWC) and they have 4 children, with their youngest (Ooopsie) the age Vivienne would be (I remember going to a fund raiser in October 2004 where we both talked about how miserable we were in our pregnancies) and their 2nd youngest is a year younger than X.

Mr. DD and I have been quite frank to those who ask, including the SSWCs why we don’t have more children: his guys are lazy and my eggs are rotten and we’re seeking professional assistance. They also knew about our miscarriage fairly soon after it happened.

I wasn’t too surprised then when Mrs. SSWC asked me about how things were going. I gave her the synopsis of the past several months and said we were done with the RE in The Metro. She then of course asked the inevitable haveyouthoughtofadoption question, to which I explained Mr. DD’s concerns with adoption, which include potential medical conditions that wouldn’t become evident until later in life. She responded the same way I had to this concern and that is no baby comes with a guarantee, even if it’s biological. For example, if Vivienne had been born alive, she would have been severely handicapped and it would’ve not been because of something we had passed on, but due to a completely random genetic flaw. Does that make a difference in how one loves a child? It shouldn’t…and to me, it wouldn’t.

She then told me how before they had Ooopsie, they had also considered international adoption, preferably “oriental, because…oh, my god, those eyes are so cute!” She then went on to say how expensive it all is and that Dr. SSWC expressed that they shouldn’t then have to travel overseas for weeks at a time and that they should deliver the child to their home for that kind of money.

Yep. That’s what she said. To which I replied:

“This isn’t Pizza Hut!”

“Oh, (ha-ha) I know! And I guess it doesn’t matter since we got pregnant about that time with Ooopsie. (ha-ha).”

And, yes, I kept listening to her. I’ve heard of Fertiles saying stupid things, but I’ve never actually heard one saying it. It was like hearing the call of a legendary and extinct Do-Do bird.

Then she talked about her sister, who at the age of 32 gave birth to identical twin boys who have Downs and are currently 9 mos. old. Mrs. SSWC asked her sister if she was going to have more children. The sister explained that her doctor told her that her eggs were old and proceeded to educate her sister, Mrs. SSWC (the wife of a man who went to medical school) that you are born with all the eggs you have in your lifetime and that you cannot make more. Mrs. SSWC asked if had known that, and isn’t that crazy?!

Another woman, who was invited to the BBQ scoffed at the announcement and said if she’s only 32, her eggs should not be “old”. I injected with a brief explanation of FSH and atypical elevations can and do occur with women in their 30’s and even their 20’s (using my experience and powers of Google for Good, not Evil!).

Eventually the topic was changed and the words evaporated into the night air. I still very much like Mrs. SSWC and will foster the friendship. Do I think less of her? No, not really. She said some pretty ignorant things, but there was no malice in her comments. They were said under the illusion of how she thought things were. I’m glad she said something because if she goes away with just a little more understanding then I know that something good will come of it

11 Punches:

At 1:34 PM, Blogger soralis said...

I give you credit... I just can't continue to 'hear' the stupid comments of fertiles. You are a better person than I am!!

Take care

 
At 1:37 PM, Blogger Well-heeled mom said...

You know, whenever somebody says something ignorant about adoption in my presence, I have to speak up. Like when somebody asks me how much I paid for The Boy. Cause you know you can buy them at Babies R Us. That's what that store sells. I can't just ignore it. I feel that if I can educate this community regarding adoption, I should - one ignorant question at a time.

 
At 1:41 PM, Blogger Peeved Michelle said...

Regarding the biological knowledge, I was an A student in biology in high school, my friend's mom was a nurse and gave us all the books we never wanted to read when we were teens, I was an RA in college and had to have sex ed training every semester, I took numerous human anatomy and biology courses in college and I STILL didn't know a bunch of the stuff that I read in TAKING CHARGE OF YOUR FERTILITY by Toni Wechsler. My point is, cut her some slack on the biological knowledge and recommend TCOYF to every woman you know.

 
At 1:54 PM, Blogger DD said...

I understand exactly what P. Michelle is saying. I excelled in biology/anatomy but those subjects cover the "what is right about your body"; not the "what can get fucked up about your body". It wasn't until 2 years ago that I truly understood when the hell CD1 was! I don't blame her for not knowing the same things I have learned lately as it's hard not to take that for granted...just as Fertiles take for granted their own bodies. Remember, I've see both sides of the fence and I was one of those ignoramuses for a very long time.

 
At 2:21 PM, Blogger Robber Barren said...

Gah! Morons wear me out...

 
At 2:42 PM, Anonymous mm said...

You're a strong one. I would have willed the heavens to open and a giant lightening bolt to strike her upside her empty head. (You know, because I'm just that powerful... snort.)

 
At 3:05 PM, Blogger One Mother's Journey said...

It's hard to remember back to the days when I believed that everyone got pregnant when they had unprotected sex. Or that getting pregnant resulted in a live baby - however, I *did* actually believe that was true until "life" happened and forced enlightenment on me.

I don't think that the average person knows about IF and the right or wrong things to say to people regarding the whole ttc thing. Unless you experience it yourself or through someone close to you - I think most people walk around with their fingers in their ears singing "la la la la" when others talk about the "bad things" that *could* happen. "That couldn't possibly happen to me..."

Ahhh, to be that nieve again.

And why the hell isn't there a drive up window we can go to to get our babies?!

 
At 3:20 PM, Blogger DinosaurD said...

lol: "using my experience and powers of Google for Good, not Evil!" - thank-you dd, I desperately needed a laugh today.
I also do not hold seemingly ignorant remarks or ignorant viewpoints against anyone unless they are obviously laced with malice.
I can't say as I would know the entirely appropriate thing to say oh ... to someone who had incurable cancer or who had lost a child (a once living, breathing child). I'd always be willing to listen but sometimes the "right" thing to say is illusive and dependant upon the person.
And sometimes the intent (perhaps just to connect) is more important than the content.
When I told my dentist that we had SIF and I had gone through numerous miscarriages, he told me that they had one miscarriage between children two and three. I know he was just trying to connect - he is very shy and very private. How could I possibly take offense (even though I don't think there is a lot of comparison between the situations)?
Anyway, I'm babbling (chalk it up to those damn hormones which are still kicking my butt).
DinoD

 
At 6:05 PM, Anonymous Erin said...

I also have to give you full credit on this one...just could NOT have handled it as well as you did. I probably would have been making my excuses and getting out of there as quickly as possible. Your way is better.

 
At 6:40 PM, Blogger MAMB said...

I too try to educate people who make silly comments rather than taking offense - but some days it is harder than others. When my male boss said (2 days after my second m/c) "we've had a m/c too...it's hard" I wanted to say 'when you get a uterus, you can talk to me about it' but instead said thanks for the kind words. When the woman at the police station said "Oh, I can understand why you chose Guatemala. The children are so pretty and light skinned." I smiled and gave her a couple of reasons we decided on that country rather than snarking "yep...shopped around for the prettiest ones then said that was the place for us."
Delivery? LOL - 30 days or less or your 2nd child is free.

 
At 11:43 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow...it must be tough having so many smart people on this blog that never say anything stupid. I am impressed so many of you have made it this far without allowing a moronic statement to depart from your elite lips.

 

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