Prenatal Vitamins, Kielbasa and BBQ Chips

I daily go through my favorite blogs on infertility, lurking, scavenging on the bits of information that help feed my need to know that I am not alone. Every one of them has posted something that I can say, “That’s EXACTLY how I feel! or thinking!” If it wouldn’t be so blatantly rude, I would just simply cut-and-paste blurbs from others into my own just because they seem to verbalize such day-to-day topics in a way that makes such seemingly bland topics as taking pre-natal vitamins a potential script for a Seinfeld episode.

I am feeling down on myself and right now just need to decompress. This morning I was contemplating how ironic it would be if my body, which I used to think I knew so well, decided to pull an about-face by producing a positive HPT on Saturday. This would be it’s own private joke and only a continuation of its never-ending ability to take what should be easy, i.e. getting pregnant, staying pregnant, etc., and instead giving me a wake up call that I never could have prepared myself for: getting pregnant, losing pregnancy, no longer able to get pregnant “naturally” in a matter of a few months. Now I look in the mirror and see a woman too late into her 30’s to start wishing “We should have tried earlier.” hahahahaha!! Who hasn’t said that AFTER the fact??

I also see how I went from being a dress size 4 to an 8 in just a couple of years, POST-baby! I’ve gained more weight in the time since Max was born in 2001 than I think I did in my pregnancy with him. Jerry hints from time-to-time that my butt’s getting bigger, but I try to convince myself he’s just teasing. It wasn’t until I tried on one of my dresses I had purchased for a wedding a few years ago to see if it fit for an upcoming semi-formal event that I was horrified to see that his teasing was justified. Nothing had changed from the rib-cage and up, but OH-MY-GOD, WHAT-THE-FUCK-HAPPENED-TO-MY-ASS! was staring back at me from the mirror. If I didn’t know better, I’d swear someone snuck into my closet and sewed in the side-seams 2 inches on both side! If I had tried to sit, I would have busted out like a kielbasa in boiling water. And if that wasn’t bad enough, I tried putting on a tummy-tucker pair of underwear AND a waist-corset pulled low to my hips. Even if I had been able to breath, my ass still resembled a balled-up sock stuffed into a nylon.

So, I called for information on the local yoga place. I hate exercise and this seems the closest to it without actually continuing to sit on the couch. I am trying to convince Jerry that my weight-gain has all been recent due to the FSH and trigger shots. I don’t think he’s buying it especially when he pointed out that my lunch consisted of a bowl of BBQ chips and Pepsi. He’s a sly bastard!

So anyway, I’m hoping that this gives me the new outlook I need on my life right now. I think karma is telling me I need to start feeling better about myself mentally before it’s going to let me move into the physical satisfaction of pregnancy. I raise my can of Pepsi in salutation to the “downward dog” and “cobra pose”!