Moving Forward

This past weekend was bitter-sweet. On 9/11 last year, Jerry and I announced our new arrival to his family through an anniversary card to his parents. We had signed it, "Jerry, Dawn, Max and Baby." I remember my MIL got it; my FIL did not. I never would have thought in my worst dreams that a year later I would not be holding a 4 month old, much less struggling mentally and physically to hold a pregnancy.

I probably wouldn't have remembered the details of a year ago except my SIL called to let me know she was going to be a first-time grandma. Her daughter, my niece, and her husband, who are also Max's Godparents, had been talking about getting pregnant this year so I shouldn't had taken it so hard. However, it felt like a blow to the chest: the reminder of how NOT pregnant we were; and the guilt of feeling sorry for myself instead of the excitement and joy I should feel for my family sharing great news. I actually ended up not going out for the in-laws anniversary dinner because I felt so crappy.

Jerry went and when he got back I felt torn between getting any details of her pregnancy and not wanting to hear anything about it. It was gut-wrenching. Now since a few days have passed, I know that I need to get a hold of them. The longer I wait, the more uncomfortable things will get. Plus, I'm sure they are not getting enough first-baby advice and my two cents will insure a stress-free pregnancy (read: sarcasm!).

I also finally started my period over the weekend. I went to see my RE, Dr. M. on Monday a.m. to see what my baseline US would show, hoping the cysts had resolved. It was the first time Dr. M. had not done my US and I was a little concerned as I had some questions for her. She was there, but a tech did the US instead. She never told me her name and I took an instant dislike to her, but was glad when she announced I was all clear and would see Dr. M. for my program instructions. Dr. M. is starting me on 175mg of the Follistim, which is a considerable increase from our first cycle of 75mg. I'm scheduled for a follow-up on Friday. And, as you could probably already tell, I've decided not to go to the local OB and go with my gut instincts.

So, here we are...today is day 4. I started the FSH last night, which I screwed up by only taking 150mg as I couldn't remember what I had written down. I'm not going to let that 25mg get to me. I want to stay positive. I need to remember that things could be worse, much worse. I have a supportive husband, an incredible soon-to-be 4 year old son, and a foundation on our new house. It's time for me to start looking up and assume the best.