Thursday, May 11, 2006

No. 186 - Freddy Kruger Lives Via Infertility

You know the typical horror movie ending? The Good Guys kill off the Creepy Bad Guy...or so they think...only to find Creepy Bad Guy either has disappeared from where they left his bloody and mangled body or Creepy Bad Guy picks off one last victim (usually some ditz who should've been picked off an hour earlier) before he is finally vanquished...or IS he?

My point? My current focus on a baby is the Creepy Bad Guy (I say focus/you say obsession. And no, Tracy, I am not taking offense because you're right, and I want you to send me your email, purty-please?). I keep thinking that I have finally shaken the nightmare, but I can't wake up. A new vision appears and just as I think this time it's going to turn out, things turn black and ugly again. Maybe it's because I've been letting the emotional baggage pile up for so long that I feel like I can't dig out; but I have to believe that even if I sound as if I'm taking two steps forward and one step back, I'm making progress.

And yes, I am at times sabotaging my own progress. Some of you are still probably dumbfounded by my decision to find out the sex of the baby, but when I knew that because of the karyotyping done on the baby I could get that information, I made a promise long ago and I kept it. Do I regret it? I did yesterday. I don't today. Will I tomorrow? I don't know. But because it is done, I have to accept it and hope that it helps me to accept that my family will probably stay as it is. Right now I resent it because by having a miscarriage without being able to follow it with a successful pregnancy feels like I have something left undone. I finish what I start. It's part of my personality. In this context, what many consider an admirable trait becomes a flaw.

My appointment yesterday took me back to that horrible time. It was as fresh in my memory as if it had happened yesterday, especially after I reread my memoriam, which I haven't done since I wrote it. It became my one step back. I'm sure that I can now take the two steps forward. Part of that progression comes in the relief I feel knowing that Mr. DD has agreed to do another SA. We have talked and I realize my announcement sent him into shellshock. I was so blinded by my grief, I did not see his. I cannot express my gratitude enough to those of you who saw what I didn't.

10 Punches:

At 4:46 AM, Blogger Thalia said...

Oh DD what a week you've had. I'm so sorry for this refreshing of the loss of your baby, now that you know it's your daughter, and the challenges as you and your husband mourn in such different ways. And I am outraged that ppl keep telling you "you should be happy with X". What do they know.

We know some of how awful this feels. We are not surprised that you are having cycles of grief and anger. We are not surprised that you have not given up yet. We will support you as you continue to work this through.

 
At 6:26 AM, Blogger Cricket said...

DD - you're all over the board. It's all normal and natural and expected. It's also probably depression; you'd said as much a few weeks ago. Each issue is actually a symptom. A glance at the big picture shows the underlying driving engine, depression, which is reflected in how you're interpreting, stirring up, and handling all the other things.

I think of depression kind of like a virus replicating, kind of like a domino effect. When one feels like shit, it's like 'heap it on me world' and you do things to make it worse, just so that you will feel, feel something, feel anything, because everything is so damn numb.

Did you fill that prescription? Give yourself a break, stop beating yourself up, get a toehold for some focus, and give yourself a crutch for a while. All of you will heal as a result.

I love you, chick.

 
At 6:26 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Whew. I keep worrying I'm going to get bitchslapped by the "Infertile Bitchez Posse" for making comments when I've not been through what you guys have.

SO relieved it didn't have that affect. (effect? I never get that one.)

Anyway - email is moon@blacksage.net

Blog is soon to be up at www.transcendentalreality.com

~Tracy

 
At 7:10 AM, Blogger Sarah said...

What a difficult time this is for you. I'm sorry that you are going through this. The others have already said, in a much more articulate way than I could have, what I feel for you.

I agree that it is important to do what you can to try to get through, and I hope that you will begin to heal soon.

Take care.

 
At 7:56 AM, Blogger Catizhere said...

We love you and will be here to offer any kind of support/encouragement/hope/wisdom you might need that day.
Try to keep your chin up and if you need to get help, go get it.

 
At 9:28 AM, Blogger soralis said...

I am so sorry that you have to go through everything that you do. Take care and hoping you find some peace.

 
At 9:42 AM, Blogger Alli said...

Secondary infertility is a b*tch. Your post has got me facing things about my own mc I had pushed aside and I thank you for that. Your strength is admirable!

 
At 6:11 PM, Anonymous Mary Scarlet said...

DD I'm just catching up on your blog after a few days. Vivienne Elise is a beautiful name. I'm glad you and Mr. DD are feeling closer, understanding each other. Glad also about the repeat SA. I am so sorry you are reliving your loss. I tiptoe around that sore spot but from the few times I have poked it I know how terrible and raw and black it is.

 
At 7:40 AM, Blogger DD said...

If you are having difficulty posting a comment (I'm doing this as a test), you are always welcome to email me at ddknockedup at yahoo dot com.

 
At 12:19 AM, Blogger Maya said...

If you can't be real here..on your blog...with us in the same boat, where can you be? I appreciate your honesty and raw emotion. The truth is that a lot of what we go through does mirror hell and we can only do our best each day. I think you do a great job. So even when it is ugly and hard, lay it on us - unfiltered. It's a blog, we can choose to click out or not comment, but you have to be true to yourself and yourself is a likable understandable person.

Oh, and how any of us can go through IF and not be totally depressed is a total Bermuda Triangle type mystery to me. I think that instead of depression, they should call it "stage 2 of IF process - all will enter at some point, some will stay longer then others, but it will happen because IF really f***ing sucks and you are the grand prize winner of it".

Again, please know that we get you and empathize with you.

 

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