Thursday, May 11, 2006

No. 185 - Dante's Second Level of Hell

You have come to a place mute of all light, where the wind bellows as the sea does in a tempest. This is the realm where the lustful spend eternity. Here, sinners are blown around endlessly by the unforgiving winds of unquenchable desire as punishment for their transgressions. The infernal hurricane that never rests hurtles the spirits onward in its rapine, whirling them round, and smiting, it molests them. You have betrayed reason at the behest of your appetite for pleasure, and so here you are doomed to remain. Cleopatra and Helen of Troy are two that share in your fate. Visions of 8-month pregnant crack-whores will be your company.

So as you might have guessed, I visited my OB/GYN yesterday. Above was how I felt as I sat in the waiting room knowing that if there was a hell and that I would be going, this is how it would be, based on the stupid quiz below. I am still questioning my sanity by asking what the sex of our baby was from 2004. I was only 37. My god, that seems like so long ago, but the pain is still unbelievably sharp as I had picked off the scab that was just starting to heal.

I had never invisiond that I would be asking during my pap appt, but when I was say, 7 or 8 months pregnant, instead. That was my initial plan. Realizing that will probably never happen prompted me to take the drastic action of asking yesterday. I imagined I would be heartbroken, but if my original plan had come to fruition, I would've had a new life to focus that energy to. I don't now.

Harder still was finding out it was a girl. I had always, always wanted a daughter.

I didn't tell Mr. DD until after X went to bed. I asked for his full attention and told him our baby was a girl. For a brief moment, tears welled up...and then they were gone. He said nothing. When it became apparent he was going to continue to say nothing, I walked away and went to bed.

How can strangers who don't know me except through their computer offer more compassion and understanding than the man I married; the man who also lost a daughter? I am thunderstruck. When he came to bed about a half hour later, he wished me goodnite, but I didn't respond. When he asked what was wrong, I said, "I can appreciate that you show your emotions differently than I do, but I wasn't expecting you to show no emotion." Those words hung in the air between us the rest of the night.

I am sure that my expectations from him over the news are too high. I fantasized that he would say we should do anything within our power to make this better, even if it means donor options or adoption. I don't know why I thought the news of finding out the fetus I lost a year and a half ago, was female, would open up the gates that are tightly locked up around his pride.

I love Mr. DD with all my heart. I have learn to accept that he and I are completely opposite when it comes to emotions. I probably have become less emotive since we married. Now with my heart bruised and broken, I need him to give a little on his end to me to help heal again.

Please, I ask that you not flame him. His heart was molded from the rock: chipped and hardened by a father whose only emotions stem from anger and disappointment. My heart is unfired clay: hardened now from exposure. Both of our hearts can be softened by tears. We just need to find the time to do that together.

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Second Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Purgatory (Repenting Believers)Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)Very High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)Moderate
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)Moderate
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)Low
Level 7 (Violent)Moderate
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)Low

Take the Dante's" Divine Comedy Inferno Test

22 Punches:

At 10:14 AM, Anonymous Leggy said...

Well apparently I'm a virtuous non-believer, but whatever, it probably just means I've led a boring life. At least I'm in good company (Aristotle, Cicero, etc.)

I won't flame Mr. DD, I'm just sad for you that he doesn't seem to give you what you need these days. No he may never come around to donor options or adoption, but if you asked him to hold you while you cry, do you think he'd do it? It might help...

I know, its hard. There are ways I wish The Man would react sometimes. But I can't change him and all in all, he's still the one for me. But sometimes...

Sending hugs.

At 10:15 AM, Blogger Alli said...

I'm awed at your bravery in asking about the baby. The reaction from your DH is so sad - I hope you get the comfort you seek from him today and that he just needed time to process it.

Hugs to you and your husband both as you process your new information!!

At 10:26 AM, Blogger Sarah said...

I'm right there with you in the second level!

I have never seen my husband cry. Ever. In 17 years. I know that he is sad too sometimes, but he just doesn't show it although I wish that he would, just to know that we feel the same pain inside.

Take care.

At 10:30 AM, Blogger Dawn said...

Love to you both. Wish I had something to say to make this easier.

At 10:30 AM, Anonymous Wavery said...

Men. (sigh)

No flaming here, just nodding at that familiar reality that they are so different.

At 11:01 AM, Blogger Well-heeled mom said...

In our house I am the emotional one and MFH is the rock. I saw this often throughout our adoption process. I guess I've just come to accept it.

At 11:50 AM, Blogger DrSpouse said...

Yep, the bloke thing - I have to say normally I hate it when people make generalisations, but they can't get pregnant, can they? (although perhaps that makes us blokes??)

Sorry. I have no idea what it would be like to know the sex of our embryos.

At 11:59 AM, Blogger Trish said...

Somehow I get the sense he may have felt the weight pulling the doors open.
It makes it real.
The silence spoke volumes.

At 12:24 PM, Blogger Pamplemousse said...

Silence does not mean that he is not feeling the loss. More that I imagine that he does not know what to say or how to express it. Men always want to fix the problem, not talk about the problem, in my experience.

I am so sorry for your loss, DD.

At 12:28 PM, Blogger Cricket said...

I kind of understand his reaction. You gave him information pretty much out of the blue; you were better prepared for yourself when you knew you wanted the information. I don't know if he knows how much that question about Baby May had taken from your soul. You probably don't know that for him, either.

I know sometimes when I don't react, I then gather energy to tackle it directly. However, sometimes avoidance sneaks in and I never accomplish anything. Is that him? Obviously he felt something. You're concern is that he didn't voice anything or give you support. When two people are hurting, it takes a lot to be of comfort to each other, especially when styles differ. You want his support, but you find more support with women and I know you'll get by. I hope he can find some sort of support and doesn't let it all just eat at him. Then again, that wouldn't be logical, so he wouldn't let anything eat at him.

He reminds me of an old friend's husband, an introverted engineer who my friend asserted had a specific disorder that men have which interferes with their ability to emote. (Yeah, that's me, always diagnosing.)

At 12:29 PM, Blogger Pamplemousse said...

Oh, and apparently I am a heretic at level 6. Ooooh.

At 1:14 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm trying to put myself in his shoes. Again, as said before, you had already braced yourself for that info - you knew it was there, and it was kind of out of the blue for him.

The thing is...I know you're trying to get yourself back to ok, but sometimes it seems that you're obsessing on the baby - past and potential. While your focus is on that (trying to make it happen, or get over that it can't), it seems like Mr. DD is more focused on you. He can't fix this for you, and perhaps in some way, due to the SA, he feels that he is the one to blame for you feeling this way. He can't fix it, so he just doesn't know what to do and say.

He feels that he needs to be strong for you, so he can't break down and cry over it - at least not in front of you.

It's an impossible situation. But I think, really, the blame game has to be set aside, and the reaction comparison has to be set aside, and you have to get through the grief so you can move on.

And maybe once that has happened, there's room for the discussion about adoption?


At 3:02 PM, Blogger Stacy said...

I wouldn't flame Mr. DD. It sounds like he's just moving on from your infertility hell faster than you are. You can’t blame him for not wanting to be pulled back down to Cocytus. You, too, need to start digging your way out.

At 3:04 PM, Blogger Stacy said...

Gah! Sorry about the new profile photo. I'm sure it's not what you want to see right now.

At 3:18 PM, Blogger One Mother's Journey said...

Whomever said we are equal was certainly not talking of emotions. I wish you both peace.

At 3:21 PM, Blogger Spanglish said...

It hurts. It hurt not to know. It hurts to know you have a daughter that you'll not meet in this lifetime. It hurts that you need something Mr. DD couldn't provide. It hurts that no one knows what Mr. DD needs are in this. It hurts that Mr. DD isn't offering options that you so desperately want. It's pure and utter pain.

Forget the nine circles of hell... we're living our own hell now.

I scored in the fifth circle -- The Wrathful and Sullen. At least I'm still in upper hell and not damned to Lower Hell with the violent and treacherous. Thanks for the test. It goes right along with my lesson plan (but I imagine some parents would flip out if I offered it to their kids).

At 4:20 PM, Blogger soralis said...

I am so sad that you didn't get the response you needed from Mr. DD. It is sad that he is suffering silently.

Take care and the best to both of you.

At 4:47 PM, Blogger MAMB said...

I just want to say I'm sorry. I've never had the courage to ask any further information after my miscarriages.

As for your hubby, I'm sorry you didn't get what you needed from him. I don't know him so I have no advice to offer other than saying sometimes, with men especially, you have to very specifically ask for what you need.

At 8:45 PM, Blogger Krystal said...

My husband is AWFUL at handling emotional situations. I know he means well, but sometimes he says the wrong thing and I get upset, or he says NOTHING and I get upset.

I think it's pretty normal, and judging from the other responses here, I'm betting it is! It doesn't make it any easier to deal with, that's for damned sure. :(

You're a better woman than me. I don't know that I would have had the stones to ask about the gender of my baby... if such had been available. I'm so sorry for your loss. :(

At 8:51 PM, Blogger Milenka said...


At 6:20 AM, Blogger chris said...

I'm sorry.

At 6:30 PM, Blogger Jennifer said...

When you want to blame someone for your pregnancy woes, crack whores rank pretty high (I'm not sure if you added that yourself or if that was part of the description - I myself am in the third level).

I had planned a natural, unmedicated delivery for my daughter Allison. Although she is my second daughter, she was my first pregnancy. We adopted Emma at two days old - the most incredible experience of my life. Long story short, I was induced and never dilated past 4. Emergency C-section for me. When I watch birthing shows (and I try not to), I get very upset at those "less worthy" women who get the "satisfaction" of delivering vaginally. I cry to my husband that it's not fair that crack whores can bend over and give birth and I couldn't. His reactions are quite similar to Mr. DD's. I guess they just don't understand. Don't start talking about logic and how I'm not in any way related to said crack whores to make that comparison. Whatever!

I don't know you, but I love you already. I remember when I couldn't get pregnant (I ended up losing 115 pounds after Emma joined us) that I would envy people who could get pregnant - even if the pregnancy didn't take. It makes your emotions go all over the place. I wish you the best. You'll be in my thoughts.


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