No. 185 - Dante's Second Level of Hell

You have come to a place mute of all light, where the wind bellows as the sea does in a tempest. This is the realm where the lustful spend eternity. Here, sinners are blown around endlessly by the unforgiving winds of unquenchable desire as punishment for their transgressions. The infernal hurricane that never rests hurtles the spirits onward in its rapine, whirling them round, and smiting, it molests them. You have betrayed reason at the behest of your appetite for pleasure, and so here you are doomed to remain. Cleopatra and Helen of Troy are two that share in your fate. Visions of 8-month pregnant crack-whores will be your company.

So as you might have guessed, I visited my OB/GYN yesterday. Above was how I felt as I sat in the waiting room knowing that if there was a hell and that I would be going, this is how it would be, based on the stupid quiz below. I am still questioning my sanity by asking what the sex of our baby was from 2004. I was only 37. My god, that seems like so long ago, but the pain is still unbelievably sharp as I had picked off the scab that was just starting to heal.

I had never invisiond that I would be asking during my pap appt, but when I was say, 7 or 8 months pregnant, instead. That was my initial plan. Realizing that will probably never happen prompted me to take the drastic action of asking yesterday. I imagined I would be heartbroken, but if my original plan had come to fruition, I would've had a new life to focus that energy to. I don't now.

Harder still was finding out it was a girl. I had always, always wanted a daughter.

I didn't tell Mr. DD until after X went to bed. I asked for his full attention and told him our baby was a girl. For a brief moment, tears welled up...and then they were gone. He said nothing. When it became apparent he was going to continue to say nothing, I walked away and went to bed.

How can strangers who don't know me except through their computer offer more compassion and understanding than the man I married; the man who also lost a daughter? I am thunderstruck. When he came to bed about a half hour later, he wished me goodnite, but I didn't respond. When he asked what was wrong, I said, "I can appreciate that you show your emotions differently than I do, but I wasn't expecting you to show no emotion." Those words hung in the air between us the rest of the night.

I am sure that my expectations from him over the news are too high. I fantasized that he would say we should do anything within our power to make this better, even if it means donor options or adoption. I don't know why I thought the news of finding out the fetus I lost a year and a half ago, was female, would open up the gates that are tightly locked up around his pride.

I love Mr. DD with all my heart. I have learn to accept that he and I are completely opposite when it comes to emotions. I probably have become less emotive since we married. Now with my heart bruised and broken, I need him to give a little on his end to me to help heal again.

Please, I ask that you not flame him. His heart was molded from the rock: chipped and hardened by a father whose only emotions stem from anger and disappointment. My heart is unfired clay: hardened now from exposure. Both of our hearts can be softened by tears. We just need to find the time to do that together.



The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Second Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Very High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Moderate
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Moderate
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Low
Level 7 (Violent)	Moderate
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Low

Take the Dante's" Divine Comedy Inferno Test