Saturday, May 06, 2006

No. 182 - I Married a Vulcan

I have been reluctant over these past few days to discuss what lies ahead with Mr. DD. He is giving me breathing space, but almost too much. Yesterday after I got off work, I had to go see him where he worked to pick up the checkbook. I was mopey and had just finished crying and he wanted to know if I was OK. Of course, I answered no, but he let me get back into the car and drive away without asking why.

Not only is Mr. DD a Man and has all the faults and defects that men normally do; he is a man of Vulcan logic. There are no answers to "what if" or "what would you do" as they usually preface something fantasmic: what would you do if you won a million dollars. Until that happens, he would never think to try to answer as it doesn't exist; it doesn't matter what he says; and it's a waste of breath.

Last night I finally dared to say to him, "It upsets me that you have already accepted that we will have no more children. And if it's not acceptance I am reading, it is ambivalence." He replied that he has accepted that we will not have more children...through the RE clinic's assistance, but he said that there is nothing preventing us from trying on our own.

Then it was my turn to plunge into that logic and figure the odds of us conceiving without medical intervention are tragically and pathetically low, which I did not say aloud. We are dealing with unexplained infertility on my part and male factor on his. You may or may not remember that we tried to go down this road after the FET That Never Happened and I had really wanted him to get a physical and another SA. He has done neither. However, he has time to do this before we start entertaining the idea again as my ovaries shut down after a cycle of stims. The idea of charting and peeing on sticks makes me surprisingly angry.

But...I don't want to give up the fight either. Not yet.

So, I am giving myself more time to digest what to do next. I have an appointment with my GYN on Wednesday for my PAP. I will undoubtedly bawl my eyes out as I relay the past 10 months of hell, which he initially sent me to, and see what he recommends, if anything.

To me, it would seem the easiest to just stop worrying about it; stop trying; stop grieving over what wasn't meant to be and move on rather than try to be hopeful and worry that if by some strange and freakish act of nature I get pregnant, I then have to stress about the fact I hadn't been on prenatal vitamins or progesterone or miscarrying again.

For Mr. DD those thoughts are irrelevant. They are the what-ifs and what-would-you-dos that can't be answered.

11 Punches:

At 3:31 PM, Blogger kati said...

People call me a pessimist but really, I think I'm quite the optimist. Evidence: I don't understand at all why you have trouble getting pregnant anymore, so ergo, you have a good chance of getting pregnant again. See?

And then there is always ART as in ALIEN assisted technologies! We used that one to conceive Miss V. I'm pretty sure. Nothing else explains it. Now, if I just knew how to get that kind of help again...

and no worries about prenatals. I'm not even taking them now (haha, I like to lie to myself given that my entire kitchen cabinet is filled with helpful vitamins and herbs). Blech.

 
At 4:37 PM, Blogger One Mother's Journey said...

I think the "male attitude" is their coping mechanism - it's the only way they know how to be. To some extent, I think they are pretty much ALL like that.

Could you come to a happy medium and "try" things naturally for a few (or 6) months - if they don't work then he goes for the physical and SA and you can start to persue "alternatives" again?

 
At 4:48 PM, Anonymous Leggy said...

I guess I'm unclear what his preferred method of moving forward is? Is it for you to chart & POAS or is it just to not do anything? If its the former, then I think its very unfair of him to rely on logic when its convenient for him (I don't believe in 'what ifs') and then not rely on logic when he doesn't want to do something (eg, get an SA in fear that the results might be poor). Because there is no point in charting if the numbers aren't there.

If he's saying don't chart, don't do anything, then that's a bit more fair (he's not putting extra burden on you) but it is hard to keep pretending "maybe it will work this month" if a simple test (imagine if an HSG could be as easy as an SA) could give an answer one way or another.

I don't mean to be too hard on him- I know he's hurting too but its hard to see you in so much pain. Its very tough when our spouses don't deal with things in the same way we do.

Thinking of you...

 
At 5:32 PM, Blogger Cricket said...

I don't believe that guys get a bye just because they're guys. There are skills they have chosen not to learn or incorporate; it's definitely not that they don't know those skills exist.

Is he doing anything like herbs or vitamins or whatever to try to improve his semen quality? If not, then he's not trying.

The ball (no pun intended) does not always have to be in your court.

I'm not sure why you classify yourself as IF. With different sperm, you might have had greater success. (Okay, I'm thinking the 'd' word now.)

 
At 7:05 PM, Blogger soralis said...

Ahh to be a man and not have to obsess about everything like us poor women do!

Good luck wherever your road leads, I just hope it isn't too bumpy along the way.

Sending a big hug your way

 
At 7:16 PM, Blogger Well-heeled mom said...

I think men don't know how to handle it when they can't fix it, ya know? And I think it's even harder when the problem might lie with them - ignorance is bliss in that case.

 
At 8:48 AM, Blogger Sarah said...

I agree with kellie, that it is a coping mechanism for men. If they don't have to think about "what if" then they don't have to plan ahead about what they might do.

Take care.

 
At 11:37 AM, Blogger DinosaurD said...

Hi dd
I think I'm not as hard on your husband as some of the other commentors. Sometimes it is easy to lose sight of the fact that infertility can be hard on the men as well (we have to go through most of the physical crap but that doesn't negate what our husbands feel).
Do you think that he's concerned about what happens if his sperm quality is a huge issue?
When we started the whole ART, we had one initial sperm sample that was questionable and I was ready (immediately) to jump to donor sperm. When my husband was more reticent, I just didn't get it.
But then when egg quality was an issue, my husband was also not interested in donor ovum.
If we didn't have a child that was genetically ours, I don't think it would have been an issue but we do have our son. We both see aspects of our physical selves in him and I think my husband just found it too hard to have a child where we didn't have that (who can say where the division is in the whole nature/ nurture issue).
It wouldn't be an issue for me at all (hell, I'd take any available child) but I respect my husband's view. If you don't think you could love a child unconditionally from the get go, then I really don't think you should try for it.
Do you think your husband is worried about the possibility of you wanting to move to donor sperm? Maybe if you tell him you just need some closure and the sperm analysis might help that?
I know that I wouldn't quit at your age but then look at where all my stubborness has gotten me.
DinoD

 
At 12:07 PM, Blogger Heather said...

I too have a husband who is similar to yours. He refuses to discuss what if, choosing instead to just deal with life as it comes. Consequently planning anything with him is extreemly difficult and frustrating. I feel for you!!

 
At 1:08 PM, Blogger N said...

I agree with Leggy, what's the logic behind charting from your side if he doesn't get the SA? Start with that and than move on to charting, right? Seems logic to do it that way, but then again, we are talking about men...logic? Ehhhh, are they ever logical?

It's maybe a stupid question that you have discussed at length before I ever read your blog....why have you decided not to do another IVf (ALIEN reproductive technology as kati suggested.. hi hi hi)? Don't answer if it's like a dohhh question...just assist me to the post where you discussed it at length.

 
At 4:54 PM, Anonymous Alexa said...

Oh dear. I think Leggy pretty effectively summed up everything I wanted to say.
I think that the idea that you can just go forward thinking "maybe" without really thinking/obsessing about it is naive on your husband's part. It is one thing to decide that you are done, this is it, and quite another to take a "maybe it will happen on its own" approach. The burden of monitoring falls so much on the woman--I really don't understand why he wont just get another *!@#$#^ SA, after all you have been through, so that you can at least have a clearer, more recent assessment of your chances.
It is just so hard to see you hurting, I wish there were something I could do.

 

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