Friday, April 21, 2006

No. 168 - When Does a Positive Equal a Negative?

As the days pass on my calendar bringing me closer to beta-day, my ultimate concern is really not what you think it would be, which would be a negative beta. Instead, my anxiety centers around the possibility that a 2nd line does in fact show on the HPT.

A negative means The End. No more shots; no more doctor visits; no more stressing through cycles and two week waits; no more hormonal rages. The outcome will be in stone and I will have some sense of relief that it is over. The baby’s room can be transitioned into the guest room and all of the baby furniture and clothing can be sold at the first opportunity and we will not have to bear the heartache of moving it with us to the new house, as a positive beta is obviously no guarantee that our worries will magically vaporize.

A positive will extend my concerns into Pregnancy Purgatory: Will my beta double in 48 hours? Will there be a heartbeat at 6 weeks? Will I make it past the 15 week mark at which point I lost Baby May? Can I really take another 8 months of “what ifs” even though that is what I have been fighting for during these last 15 months?

And my god, do you really want to listen to me moan and groan about DBTs for that long? That’s even if everyone sticks around as I know for some it has become their survival technique when a blogger announces a pregnancy to remove them from their bloglines post-haste. Even I have developed my own system: I move the blogs into a new category so I can safely read the pregnancy posts when I’m feeling particularly buoyed with hope and optimism.

So, I sit here on pins and needles with two possibilities in front of me: a) BFN and I continue to sustain the life I already have; or b) BFP and I try to continue to sustain a life that may never be, but could be everything I've have times two.

As hard as the second possibility may be to let myself wish for, it really is the one I want with all my heart.

I will begin with the HPT tomorrow morning before I leave for Minnesota. I’m not expecting much this early, but obviously I am trying to be optimistic. I will be 7dp3dt (7 days post 3 day transfer).

Personal factoid: I shamelessly plugged my blog on Tertia’s website today.

17 Punches:

At 1:18 PM, Blogger Catizhere said...

please post the results on your morning hpt. I will be hitting F5 all day...

At 1:20 PM, Anonymous Erin said...

I absolutely want to listen to you obsess over DBTs for the next 8+ months until you bring home a healthy little sibling for X. They're impossibly scary, and with your history, you know all too well the heartbreak that can come with them. But I would so much rather be reading those thoughts for the rest of the year than be reading about the heartache associated with accepting that your family won't be adding another child.

Will you be updating us on those HPTs while you're in Minnesota?

At 1:26 PM, Anonymous Molly said...

Well . . . this weekend is a big one for you, either way. We'll be there to hold you hand.

At 1:27 PM, Blogger DD said...

Sorry, but after today, the earliest I will get to post anything, whether it's the HPTs or the Confab, will be Monday afternoon. My diversions from the world this weekend include being away from blogging, even though a good portion of my time will be probably be spent TALKING about blogging.

At 1:46 PM, Blogger N said...

I say: Enjoy your weekend. We can do one weekend without your great posts (I mean that honestly :-))...but hardly....we'll be awaiting your Monday afternoon post (that means monday night/tuesday morning for me) though.

I keeep my fingers crossed for this to be a BFP...because that's what you want, even if it scares the shit out of you. I keep my fingers crossed that you get exactly what you want.

Sending hugs,


PS: Even if this will be fucking positive for both you and me, can I come for a huge drink one day??? :-) inviting myself here...sorry...and now this comment becomes longer and longer...I should SHUT UP.

At 2:01 PM, Anonymous mm said...

I'm rooting for you, either way. GOod luck tomorrow.

At 2:11 PM, Blogger EJW said...

What? You're not going to let us know immediately? How dare you!

Just kidding. Take the weekend and do whatever you need to do. Have fun at Confab, I wish I could come.

I also have my bloglines sorted into categories, for my own safety: babies, pregnant, still trying. As stressful as it'll be, I can't wait to move you to the pregnant category next week. As for stopping reading, NEVER! Once an infertile, always infertile, and you'll need us (and we'll need you) just as much after a +HPT as now.

Good luck tomorrow!

At 2:20 PM, Blogger kati said...

enjoy your weekend and may the next week bring you the news you desire!

At 2:48 PM, Blogger Stacy said...

Good luck. My thoughts and hopes are with you.

At 3:13 PM, Blogger Well-heeled mom said...

Oh, I'm envious of your weekend. It would be wonderful to get together with the ladies - although I fear all we'd talk about are the kids - real or envisioned.

Wishing you luck for Monday.

At 3:15 PM, Blogger DinosaurD said...

Hey DD
Hope you don't mind if I still hang around (I'm still up for the coffee party, just not to hosting it anymore).
You are very cruel to make us wait until Monday - you know that internet access is EVERYWHERE? Even us dinosaurs know as much.
Enjoy your weekend - if you have a positive tomorrow, relish it and if it isn't positive remember that it is still awfully early.

At 3:29 PM, Anonymous Kim said...

Still sending the vibes... Best of luck!

At 4:05 PM, Blogger Spanglish said...

Oh dd, I hope you do obsess over DBTs for months and months and months until s/he is safe and sound in your arms.

I'll have my fingers crossed and will wish on eyelashes and stars for you. I'd pray, but you know... I can't say much past "God."

Have a great vacation.

At 7:10 PM, Blogger Cricket said...

Geez, I was going to say I'm holding my breath until your post tomorrow, but I can't hold it until Monday.

Good luck with testing. We're rooting for you.

At 3:11 AM, Anonymous Kath said...

Dear DD, you said it so well. I'm hoping like mad.

Have a wonderful, wonderful weekend!

At 6:36 AM, Anonymous thalia said...

I promise I will keep checking in, just a little less frequently. I am hoping that you get to feel that anxiety tomorrow.

At 7:10 AM, Blogger DrSpouse said...

I have two categories in bloglines: one for infertility, miscarriage, and adoption, and one for parents. I do have pregnancy blogs under the first category, and it includes some people who are trying for a second child. So actually perhaps I should move Julie over to the first category, then?


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