Wednesday, April 19, 2006

No. 166 - The Bucket

It started seemingly a million years ago, our journey down the road trying to conceive again. We carried with us a big metal pail which was filled to the brim with Hope. It would slosh around as we walked, sometimes splashing out of the bucket to drop to the dust below. We had one child already; there was another pregnancy – though lost – we knew that WE could get pregnant and this relationship with our RE’s clinic would be over before it barely had a chance to begin.

My husband and I had a spring to our step back in August when we did our first IUI. We fully expected it to work, chalking up the past months of failure to poor timing. Those bouncy, confident steps resulted in our bucket carelessly jostled and a great deal of our Hope was absorbed into the ground when the HPT was negative.

The second IUI, we still had high expectations. We followed the clinic’s instructions to the letter, we treaded more slowly, but still confident that we would now certainly get pregnant. Again, more Hope was lost out of our bucket, plus I noticed that in our carelessness, tiny cracks were appearing, it had a couple dents, and the rim was starting to rust. It wasn’t the shiny container we had started with.

I tried to patch the bucket with the thought that once we did IVF, we would address directly the problems that appeared to have plagued our attempts, specifically fertilization of the egg through ICSI, and whatever Hope that was left would see us through a positive test as well as a healthy pregnancy. The patch proved to be temporary and the cracks and rusted seams seeped like wounds. Our bucket of Hope was nearly empty.

In six days, my beta is scheduled. I have purchased, in a moment of masochism and insanity, two 2-pack HPTs. If there is no second line, I will not bother getting the beta. I do not want to hear from my doctor again that I was on the wrong side of the numbers; or what our next options are. If this IVF fails, not only will we have reached the end of the road my husband and I started back in July, but the last of our Hope will have leaked or evaporated. Our bucket will be dry. There is no FET to fall back on. There will be no adoption papers to complete. There will only be an empty bucket. And for a long time after, my heart will feel just as tarnished, cracked and empty as that bucket.

17 Punches:

At 8:06 AM, Blogger EJW said...

DD, what a great analogy. I so hope this IVF works for you guys, and that the next 6 days aren't too torturous.

 
At 8:27 AM, Anonymous Erin said...

First, what a great metaphor. Second, I hope you have some hope left.

My bucket was recently repaired, refilled and is ready to share. Hope you feel better soon.

 
At 9:32 AM, Anonymous Kath said...

Dear DD, I'm so hoping that your bucket of hope and good fortune will soon be filled to the brim again. I'm so hoping that you've got excellent news coming your way.

I just got caught up on reading about your troubles with your SIL. I'm so sorry, DD. That sucks, completely. Life is too short -- and too long, come to think of it -- for that sort of shit. It's so sad that Easter was so rotten for you.

 
At 11:04 AM, Anonymous Kim said...

Sending good vibes for the next six days.... Good luck!

 
At 11:19 AM, Anonymous TB said...

I had to walk away and come back to this one because you really nailed the experience of infertility and I'm sitting here crying at my desk.
I want to add as much as I can to your bucket. I want this to work so badly for you.
Wishing your peace for the next few days as you wait and continued hope.

 
At 11:56 AM, Blogger K&M said...

Nailed on the head is right. That is exactly how I feel. There are about 4 drops of hope clinging to the sides of our bucket.

 
At 12:01 PM, Blogger Suz said...

I so hope that your bucket turns out to be brimming and full but please, please reconsider the plan not to have the beta. I got two negative HPT's and a positive beta - I know that this weirdness hinges on being an urban legend but beta's the only thing that can tell you for sure. I am hoping so desperately for you!

 
At 12:01 PM, Blogger Pamplemousse said...

Now I have got that crazy song in my head "Theres's a hole in my bucket, dear Liza, etc etc". Not that I am saying that you have a hole in yours or such, honest. So...when you gonna start peeing in the bucket???

 
At 3:04 PM, Blogger Suzanne said...

Let's just look at the bucket as half full right now and go with the PUPO school of thought.

 
At 3:17 PM, Blogger Firebrand said...

Thinking positive, positive, positive thoughts your way. I agree with Suz...you may want to reconsider getting the beta, just in case. I will be thinking wonderful fertile thoughts for you in this time of spring and blooming all around...

 
At 8:19 PM, Blogger Milenka said...

I'll be sending positive vibes over the next week, and hopefully you bucket will not remain empty. Good luck!

 
At 9:28 PM, Blogger the waiting line said...

Oh DD, that was very, very well said.

I hope that your bucket will be rich and filled with everything (including that one thing) you most desire.

 
At 5:45 AM, Blogger One Mother's Journey said...

May your bucket run over ... 6 days and counting!

 
At 6:02 AM, Anonymous Mary Scarlet said...

All fingers and toes are crossed for you. I love the bucket metaphor. I have plenty of extra hope for you, my dear.

 
At 8:23 AM, Blogger Demeter said...

I hope for you DD, that this IVF works. That beannie sticks and that your hope is restored. I am sorry for the pain your are going through.

 
At 10:07 AM, Blogger N said...

ooo DD. What an analogy.... I too, as so many others, hope that this will work for you and Mr. DD and that x with get his sibling. I relly do and could I do something to increase the odds, i'd do it.

I will in any case demand the vodka lemonade when visiting you :-D thanks for the invitation!!!! :-D
Hugs,

Nina

 
At 4:26 PM, Blogger Ornery said...

This was so beautifully written, and the bucket is such a perfect metaphor.

My heart goes out to you. I truly hope this is the one.

 

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