No. 149 - Guilt
Until recently, I had been harboring these strange guilty feelings about having a blog that reaches into the depths of Infertility Hell, but at the same time shares snippets of my connection with my son, X. Someone asked me recently to explain why I feel guilty about this Secondary Infertility crap and I effectively side-stepped the question because I didn’t know why I felt guilty.
Per Wikipedia: “In psychology and ordinary language, guilt is an affective state in which one experiences conflict at having done something one believes one should not have done.” In the Thesaurus, these words are associated with Guilt: fault, blame, culpability, remorse, shame and self-reproach.
Now, let me say here for the records I have not for one moment ever felt my pregnancy and subsequent birth, not to mention these past 4+ years ever led me to believe that I had done something wrong by being fertile and having a child, so I firmly believe Guilt is a shitty word for my scenario.
If I was to dig a little further, I realized that this “guilt” didn’t really become a concern until I started blogging. I discovered that there were so many who were still waiting for the one child and here I was greedily seeking a second. Worse, I had my first without one OPK, thermometer or clomid within sight. I was a FREAK in Infertile Blogtopia. I think I still am as far as how my fertility issues have spanned the gamut: Fertility, Pregnancy, Miscarriages, and now Infertility.
So in an effort to not offend so many who are still seeking that first Baby, or first pregnancy, or hell – even that first positive HPT, I would keep my Motherhood low-keyed. I think that’s wherein the guilt stems. I don’t feel guilty I have one child. I feel guilty that I don’t feel comfortable sharing more about him since I don’t consider this a Mommy Blog and I’m trying to be a lurker-pleaser. So now the description of Guilt fits: I have affectively downplayed a very real and important part of my life when in fact I shouldn’t be ashamed. I’m a Mom, dammit, and I am quite proud of the fact.
Hence, the poll. If I had to make a selection, I could easily select all of them given the particular day I may have had. When I feel that this IVF is going to the crapper (or when X is being a real PITA) I try to convince myself No. 1 is true; however when I read about someone else’s struggle with SIF and feel deeply their pain and loss, I totally agree with No. 4. Depending on my mood du jour, any one of the statements is true to me.
I don’t know how much longer I’ll leave the poll up. I am fascinated with how it changes and would like to get a total of 100 votes before I take it down, but I’ve also got other fish to fry (ie: Do you think Fig is a totally fucked-up name to give to a baby, even if his sister is named Apple?), and I want to move on.
Also, I will try not to censure the amount or type of posts I have about X. You can tell me if you think that sucks, which I guess I will know when you stop showing up in my stats or you don’t comment or you tell me in an email or comment. You better make sure you make your opinions clear ‘cause quite frankly, if this IVF fails, I don’t foresee this site developing into a true Mommy Blog. It would be too depressing. Who knows, though? I might continue to find it therapeutic and go on and on about how X is going around the house singing Blondie’s, One Way or Another over and over again.
Now, if he could just get past the first two lyrics…
Personal factoid: I'm a very agressive driver.
posted by DD @ 4/10/2006 03:39:00 PM
8 Socked it to me!
8 Punches:
I'm sorry you feel the need to censor yourself - although I guess we all do write with one eye on those invisible readers. I always insist that blogging is for you - you should write what you want/need to write - but what you want and need is also to hear from your commenters, so it's a wierd symbiosis I guess.
But I'm happy to hear about X. And on the days I'm not, I don't come here.
I say write whatever you feel like and people can make the choice to read or not. If we spent our time feeling guilty about what we have that others don't we'd be wrecks. It's people who have that don't appreciate it that really bug me and you don't fall into that category.
And thanks a lot now I can't get "one way or another" out of my head!
I often feel the same way as you do, being in a similar position (even though we had some fertility issues TTC P). It's hard feeling like it's supposed to be solely an infertility blog and therefore ignoring the wonderful child that you already have.
I've been trying to keep myself from doing that. I don't like to write whole posts about P, just because I don't really feel the need to do so very often, but when we've done something together, I'll mention it. And when I do get the urge to write about P, I do so. My thought is that I sometimes need to remind myself why I'm going through all of this again. And my blog is for me. I love that other people read it, and hopefully can share in experiences and take comfort that they're not alone. But it's truly a place for me to write my feelings.
FWIW, I love the fact that you have X and would love to read more about him. Maybe it's because I'm going through SIF also. Even so, there are days when I don't feel like I can deal with other people's children--so I just don't read those days. I always catch up later. But you shouldn't feel like you have to censor your writing. Let others choose what they will read--make your blog for you, and write what you want to write about each time.
Oh!Oh! I, too, am an aggressive driver! Since bringing the boy home, and being the primary source of transportation to and from daycare, I've become quite effective at saying FU under my breath.
I've done some pondering over the name of Gwyneth's son, and in the fruit and produce section could only come up with Radish, to be shortened to "Rad". Imagine my disappointment in Moses. Please.
And, I love hearing about your son. That way I have a reference point as to what may be normal with the boy!
Karen
I answered number four to the poll and I hope you know that I that any stress and pain you are feeling is just as valid as mine or anyone else's. Who am I to say who suffers more?
Infertility is hard enough. Adding guilt to the mix can send you right over the edge. It's your life and your blog. I think sharing some of the joy of the child you have would help with the pain of what you're currently experiencing. And it helps me too, to read about healthy, happy children and the joy of motherhood that I know I will experience as well, someday.
PS - I am also a terribly aggressive driver.
Well you know that I like to hear about X (don't you?)
It's hard to find any blogs that talk about kids but that also understand about infertility as well (are there really so few SIF bloggers out there?)
I decided a couple of months ago that if I couldn't talk about my son, I couldn't blog - it would be like ignoring a huge part of who I am (couldn't do it, can't do it).
DinoD
I agree with the others - it's your blog, write whatever you like! And I do like hearing about X.
I can't decide between 2 and 4. But I don't think any of us can know until we're in a situation. I don't think it's fair to judge when you haven't walked in the same shoes.
Apart from the fact that I am so not an aggressive driver (actually I am sort of a danger to traffic because I am not...), I can relate to your "guilt" well. That said, I am happy though that you have your SIF blog and write about X. It makes me feel a lot less lonely.
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