Tuesday, March 21, 2006

No. 135 - Order Up!

I have issues with food. No, not the kind that inspires one to feed their face and then expel the contents into the nearest toilet; nor that other thing that makes some not eat anything and exercise like a crazed fiend. Seriously, if you knew me really well, you would know that exercise is a dirty, dirty word and vomiting on purpose? I mean, really? Ugh.

My Mom told me that everyday before I went to Kindergarten (when kids actually only went half a day in the afternoons), I would have a hot dog for lunch. A hot dog! Everyday during the school year! Now, on the very rare occasion when nothing else is to be found in the house, I will stoop to eating a hot dog with X. I try not to think about it.

I also will not eat Jell-O. You know what is in Jell-O, don’t you? Gelatin. If you love Jell-O, don’t google this. To me, that’s worse than a hot dog.

I struggle with bacon. I will eat it at home if Mr. DD makes it because he knows that it has to be fried for so long that if he was to drop a slice on the floor, it would shatter like Waterford crystal. At restaurants, they don’t seem to understand that when I instruct that I would like my bacon to be crispy, that I really mean “burnt beyond recognition.”

Cheese is a tough one. I will never understand why anyone thinks shredded cheddar on a tossed salad is a good idea. Yes, I do love pizza, but not CHEESE pizza. If I can’t successfully pull a slice of melted cheese off a cheeseburger, I will still eat it, but begrudgingly. But, ooh! how I love queso dip with chips. And spinach or artichoke is only tolerable when encased in cheese. But, when X wants just a slice of that pre-wrapped cheese? I shudder with revulsion with first the cold sensation in my hands, then the smell? It’s nearly too much. I will hand over the slice to X’s outstretched and eager hands as if handing over a rat’s carcass.

Here’s a biggie: Nuts. Any kind of nut. They are a bane, and anyone who is willing to ruin a good pan of brownies, carrot cake, fudge, or any desert and sweet by adding nuts to the mix is…well…nuts. Why? A nut is just a tiny chunk of fat and protein. So is hamburger. You wouldn’t add browned hamburger to your brownies, now would you? Exactly. This aversion goes all the way back to my childhood. My Mom would have to create two batches for every type of Christmas candy she made: one with nuts; one without. And if I am particularly desperate for some chocolate, say for example a Hershey’s bar and the only kind left in the vending machine is the one with almonds? I pick out the almonds. I feel a little shorted as those almond pieces take up maybe 15% of the total bar, but for chocolate, I’d do just about anything.

It wasn’t until I met Mr. DD that I ever had steak. Sure, I grew up on a farm, but it was too expensive to have what was last week my pet steer now become our evening meal for the next few weeks. I don’t know at what point after meeting Mr. DD that I started eating steak (his family is a rabid bunch of beef-eaters: the bloodier the better), but I would have to have it so well done, that you could tell when our order had been turned in when you heard, “What the fuck is this!” come out of the kitchen. I’ve graduated to medium-well over the years.

I find some irony in my attitude towards beef when you take a look at the chicken. Innocuous little thing, eh? We raised chickens, too, on our farm. It was a family event to go out to the coop where Dad would wring the heads off 4 chickens, and the three youngest girls, which included me, would pluck the feathers off the headless bodies after Mom gave them a dipping in boiling water – to help loosen the quills, while the dogs would crunch away on the heads. Later that night, there would be a fight for the fourth heart with Mom usually trumping us all and popping it into her mouth with a smug look on her face. Today, my chicken has to be skinless, boneless and almost indistinguishable from which part it is in order for me to eat it. And don’t even think about including any “bits” or “pieces.”

My tastes have “matured” over the years as far as variety. As for the ability to not poke or grimace as I inspect every plate of food ever to be placed in front of me to determine its edibility? That’s pretty immature, don’t you think?

It’s your turn: now’s the time to share some of your food oddities.

Personal factoid: My Zodiac sign is Cancer.

12 Punches:

At 2:52 PM, Blogger Suzanne said...

I have the nut thing too, but I also believe that raisins do not belong in food either. Hate mushrooms, if I wanted to eat something that tasted like dirt I'd eat dirt.

 
At 3:18 PM, Blogger Chan said...

I have issues with cheerios (I think you guys call them little franks, you know, those miniature hotdogs) ever since I read the ingredients and found out they contain FISH PRODUCTS! Ewww, it's just too gross.

I also have a problem with animal innards, kidneys, liver, heart, offal. My MIL dragged us all over town looking for chicken giblets once. Even the thought of frying up chicken innards makes me want to dry heave.

A have a small, tiny quirk when it comes to eating sandwiches. It doesn't have anything to do with what's on the sandwich, but with the bread itself. I have to have the crusts matching up (the not so nice crustier bottom bits together, the fluffier sides, the crusted top) all have to be exactly as they were cut directly from the loaf, or else the sandwich is no where near as enjoyable.

You use to have to pluck the chickens??? That is just too much........ And that you soooo much for the visual of your mother "popping the heart into her mouth".......chicken innards........uummm.........bluck! I think I need to go and be sick now.

 
At 5:09 PM, Blogger DD said...

Suzanne: double check to the raisins and mushrooms.

Chan: sometimes those things are called Little Smokies. My husband has an unnatural love of them. Ewww is right.

 
At 7:45 PM, Blogger The Queen Mama said...

I really dislike tomatoes, but love most foods made with them.

I love the way melons smell, but hate the texture of them in my mouth. Will not eat them.

Other than that, I'm pretty easy.

 
At 8:15 PM, Blogger Cricket said...

I was thinking I don't have any/many food issues (bahahahahaha) until I read yours. My son comes by his honestly, too. Off the top of his head, he can always recite to me the expiration date of our milk.

Yesterday, I almost threw up in the grocery line when the guy behind me threw cans of potted meat up on the conveyor. I'm the same about Vienna sausages and any kind of crumbly hash in a gravy - I can handle shredded meat/hash in bbq sauce, tho.

I have trouble with meat on bones. I went many years without eating chicken until buying just the breast became popular. I have finally gotten to where I can eat ribs. The thought of organ meats makes me gag.

I cannot eat deli meat after it has been in the fridge more than 3 days.

I like nuts, but I loathe water chestnuts. Alway have.

I put the law down about sauerkraut - none in the house. Ex got real smart and fixed it for lunch one day when I was away until dinner. I came home hours after the fact, could still smell the stench and had a fit.

I refuse to buy/eat/be party to brussel sprouts. My parents tried to make me eat them at dinner and I threw up at the table. That was enough to make my very squeemish father not push that issue. Beets. I do not eat beets, although I admire their color.

I hate gum. I hate to see people chewing gum like a cow. I could not have a friend who chews gum. I hate it on the sidewalk. It gives me willies to think of it beneath a table. I refuse to let my deprived son chew it. I hate gum.

Honey, you got me started. I could go on and on.

 
At 4:18 AM, Anonymous Orodemniades said...

Mayonnaise. There has to be the right amount if I'm eating a sandwich - not too much, which is gross, but not too little, so it's too dry.

Tuna. Please, for the love of dog, drain the goddamned tuna!. I was once given a sandwich where the mayonnaise-y tuna juice not only made the bread soggy, but it actually dripped out of the sandwich!!! Gyaaaah.

Peas. If they're not freash from the vine, why would you want to eat them??

Steak and kidney pie. People, it's a kidney. Doesn't matter how well you cook it, it still smells and tastes like pee, mmkay?

Other than that, I'll eat pretty much anything.

 
At 6:52 AM, Blogger Catizhere said...

I come from a veggie-luvin family.. no, we're not hippies or anything, we just really like our veggies. With the exception of the Lima bean and something called okra, I'll eat any vegetable.

Meats, LOVE my steak.... medium-rare but closer to the "rare" part... HATE ground beef. Same animal, go figure.

 
At 9:47 AM, Anonymous Kath said...

Hee hee... I hate hate hate runny eggs. Mine have to be cooked to death.

I'm also a basket case when it comes to expiration dates, or the slightest suspicion that something may have been in the fridge too long.

My husband and I have skirmishes about both of my oddities.

 
At 11:58 AM, Blogger One Mother's Journey said...

I have definate issues with organ meats. Being married to someone from England has introduced me to a whole new world of "garbage meats".

My husband will periodically cook and press beef tongue. Honestly it's the most revolting thing I've ever encountered. The only thing that is worse than the way it smells and looks is the look of anticipation on my husband's (and dog's) face as it cooks. Barf.

Other than that about the only think I can't handle is cooked raisins.

 
At 1:00 PM, Blogger Katie (WannaBeMom) said...

DD-- I couldn't be more different than you. I have no food issues. Well, eggs. I am not a fan of eggs that much, and can't order a poached egg out for fear of having a runny white. A less than solid white makes me heave.

I won't eat a sandwich for dinner. Or canned soup. But that's food snobbery, not a food issue.

But I eat everything and anything else. Really. Which is another reason I am fat! (I love nuts!!)

 
At 1:14 PM, Anonymous Erin said...

Runny or slimy foods. Anything slippery. Poached eggs, too much mayo, escargot, whatever it is--if it doesn't have a good texture, it needs to stay off my plate. I don't want something to slide down my throat. shudder I feel sick even thinking about it.

And if it's an organ meat, it needs to stay out of my house entirely. Liver, kidney, gizzards, all of the above and then some. Stay away from Erin!

 
At 5:08 PM, Anonymous joie said...

I have the bacon thing, too. It has to crunch like a cracker. Also, love mint. Love chocolate the combination is a very unholy union.

I also can't pass this post without mentioning that my husband grew up on a farm,too and has weird food things. More specifically meat things. A while ago, we were washing the dog together and he said that all familiar wet dog smell reminded him of chickens being soaked to remove the feathers. He could never enjoy fried chicken because all he could think of was the smell of wet feathers.

Also, thank you and all your readers for the kind support on my blog through a tough time!

 

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