Thursday, January 26, 2006

What's Next

Of course, I did what every woman does after being presented with crushing news of yet another cycle wasted/failed, I asked Mr. DD what he wanted to do next.

Big mistake.

Let me backtrack to this morning. When the clinic hadn't called by 7:30, which is when Nurse Wonderful said they would, I called them at 7:50. After being on hold long enough for me to realize things were bad, Dr. Blinksalot got on the phone. "The embryos stopped dividing and so we have nothing to transfer." Really? No kidding. Without missing a beat, she asked me what we wanted to do next. How was I supposed to answer a question I was hoping against hope I would never have to answer again?

She added that with the last IVF and positive beta, even though "not technically a pregnancy", we were just on the wrong side of the odds. She was hopeful, since I was a good responder to the meds, that another IVF could get us the pregnancy we had been seeking.

I responded, "How many times do we need to end up on the 'wrong side of the odds' before we knew it was time to up?" Obviously she could not answer that question any better than I could answer hers.

So I just had to ask Mr. DD on the way to the funeral what he wanted to do. His response? "We should just take some time and try on our own."

Let's take a moment and just remind everyone here why we are not pregnant: Mr. DD's SA showed poor count and even poorer motility. The possibility of conceiving on our own is less than 5% based on prior consults (let's not forget to throw in my "old eggs"). So I asked how long he wants to try it that way before realizing AGAIN that it just won't work that way, AND I just don't have that kind of time. I'm going to be 39 in a few months. I don't want to be gambling on the chances of a pregnancy in a year. When we started down this road, I mentally set 40 my limit. He says I'm giving up before we even start and that I'm being negative about the possiblity of conceiving on our own. I don't feel like taking another 6 months out of our lives just so I can say "I told you so," at the end of that time. Dr. Blinksalot felt we could get pregnant with donor sperm, but Mr. DD is adamently against that, so that's why we went to IVF.

So let's wrap things up by answering some of your questions:

Email question: "What is your husband's hesitation to the donor?"

Quite frankly: he doesn't ever want to look at that child and think to himself that it isn't his. His words, not mine.

Comment question: Why did they keep the embryos in culture for so long?

Our clinic's protocol for FET is to transfer them once they reach blastocyst stage. That normally occurs during day five on a fresh cycle. Fresh transfers will be done either on Day 3 or Day 5 (blastocyst), hence all the fancy 3dp3dt (3 days post 3 Day Transfer) or 3dp5dt (3 days post 5 Day Transfer) that you see in so many posts when describing their IVF. Anyway, my embryos were thawed successfully on Monday, which takes only a couple of minutes. It would be like watching a snowflake melt into a flick of water. They were noted to be at Day 3 at that time. So, Tuesday they were Day 4, Wednesday Day 5, and Thursday Day 6 - and dead - in my case, anyway. What would've been more accurate is that yesterday they were probably more like Day 4 1/2 due to not being Grade/Code 1 embryos, which divide more consistently then mine at Grade/Code 2. In other words, if they had been of better quality, they may have been at blast stage a little earlier instead of what happened.

But as Nurse Wonderful said yesterday when I asked her if they really though the embryos could go another 24 hours in a hostile petri dish, if they couldn't make it in the dish, they wouldn't make it in utero. Mr. DD said the same thing this morning: it's better to find out now that they didn't make it then in 2 weeks. And he's right. I'd rather know now then later.

Lastly, thank you all who thought I deserved more. Maybe that's my problem though. I already have X, why should I deserve more than that? I haven't solved the world's hunger; I didn't invent post-it notes; and there are actually moments that I can't wait for X to go to bed because he is driving me insane.

I don't know how much I have left in me. Mr. DD is set in his mind that we will not be trying anything outside of the home for a while. I am desperate to change his mind. I even asked again about adoption. He says to wait on that as well. He doesn't understand that THIS doesn't resolve itself with time. Time is our worst enemy. It is what has put us in this situation. I have to do something or know that we are moving onto something or else I fear I will have such bitter resentment towards Mr. DD that our possibility of conceiving naturally will be reduced to -0- on account of me cutting him out of the marriage bed in spite.

So...I just don't know what we are going to do next.

11 Punches:

At 2:52 PM, Anonymous Erin said...

Oh, DD. This is such a hard, harsh road. If we didn't live so far apart, I'd be on my way down that long highway with my trusty mixer and few martini glasses.

Road Trip? Anyone?

At 2:58 PM, Blogger Cricket said...

I don't want to sound harsh, and please forgive it I do, but is it b/c he doesn't want it as badly as you? Men tend to put things on the back burner to try to forget them, while women then just build a head of steam.

Or doesn't he want to fully admit the male factor idea and it's easier to be optimistic than realistic?

Honestly, I lost my marriage due to this stuff and I don't want that resentment to build for you.

At 4:21 PM, Anonymous Kris said...

I can't imagine the position you are in. I can't blame you for not wanting to wait, and I can't blame him for wanting a break- I deal with both feelings myself on a daily basis. Honestly, if it weren't for insurance, we probably wouldn't have cycled this month because I really need a break.

The only thing I can say is to give it a few days, wait and see how you feel when things aren't so fresh and raw for both of you. It's just not a decision you can make right away.

Good luck!

At 5:00 PM, Anonymous Leggy said...

Oh honey, my heart aches for you. I wish we lived near each other. If it would help, I'd be happy to talk on the phone (Lindy & I spent 3 hours on the phone the night of my miscarriage and it was a godsent).

I agree with Kris that things are too raw to try to resolve everything this week. Plus you have the grief of your aunt's death as well. Give yourself a short timeline to do nothing (a week, 2 weeks, whatever), and then pick up the conversation again and try to reach some compromise.

I'm sorry you have to go through this.

At 5:31 AM, Blogger Suzanne said...

Could be too that men are more reserved in expressing what they're really thinking. So perhaps he's overwhelmed by the all the loss and physical and emotional toll on you and is afraid that another loss would be too much for both of you, but the easiest thing to say is "let's take some time."

At 6:43 AM, Blogger Catizhere said...

AW, CRUD! DD, I am so sorry that this shit storm has hit you.
I think I agree with the otrhers that maybe you should take a week or three and just let

You have my # if you need to talk.

At 9:26 AM, Anonymous mm said...

Give him some time and see what happens. If he's still insisting on resisting another IVF cycle, could you have your RE talk to him? Maybe hearing from an expert (not that you're not an expert by now) that time and sperm quality are real issues would jolt him into reality. Sorry for the assvice, but my doctor seems to get a lot further with Mr Limbo than I do sometimes.

At 9:41 AM, Anonymous Cat said...

I am so sorry, for all of it. I hope that a little time will help you be able to talk about it and come to some sort of decision together.

At 10:11 AM, Anonymous lala said...

I just feel that infertiles and SIF's deserve to have their desires met. Just like any other desire in your life. The problem is that this is not one where hard work/brilliance will get you what you want, this one is a crap shoot. I have one child, he's 13. Part of me was satisfied with that but another part of me deserves to have more because I just want to.

At 3:23 PM, Anonymous Mary Scarlet said...

Oh DD, I'm just now catching up on your news and I'm so sorry about this cycle. I wish I had something useful to suggest for your situation. I almost always wanted to stop forever right after a failed cycle, but a week or two later I was in a different frame of mind. Perhaps that could be true for Mr. DD as well...I hope. If not, I hope at least you can split the difference so you're not going 6 - 12 cycles naturally, but only maybe 3 or so. I know even that wait is agony, though, and how badly you want to cycle again. I'm just rambling here so I'll shut up now but I'm really feeling for you.

At 7:55 PM, Blogger The Queen Mama said...

"I didn't invent Post-it Notes."

Of course you didn't...Romy and Michele did! Duh!

Not being a smart-ass...just thought you could use a smile. Unless you don't get the movie reference, in which case I am just an insensitive ass.

Being very serious now. I can only imagine the state of mind you are in. The feeling of time about to crash in on you. Not wanting to wait any longer.

But I hope (and realize I say this only in love and kindness) that you can maybe give yourself just a little bit of time to breathe in and out for a while. Maybe a few weeks, at least. Maybe a month or two. Maybe Mr. DD doesn't have such a bad idea, at least for a fairly short term. Remember that no matter whether you end up with one child, or two or more, that there were the two of you before there were any children. And it sounds like the two of you need just a little time to focus on each other. I hope the resentment doesn't build.

And again, I'm so sorry that the FET didn't work out. I was so hoping it would.

Be good to yourself, dear.


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