Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Heavy Heart

Because I don’t think my nerves are raw enough, I am sipping a nice, hot cup of cappuccino in an attempt to warm the nerves long exposed to both anticipation and dread.

This morning, Mr. DD and I woke up to the little click of the TV, which is automatically set to come on at a quarter ‘till. The morning’s potential for a transfer was obviously on both our minds, but neither of us said anything. We just lay in bed holding hands and watching a few minutes of news.

I’m now at work and have been for almost 2 hours and still no word about Uni, Buck and BQ. I called the clinic about 30 minutes ago and their lab hasn’t called them with the results, but Nurse Dufus said the transfer probably won’t be today. I’m now worried that the little embies will have to endure another 24 hours in a hostile Petri-dish instead of a nice, cushy uterus.

I feel sick.

So, if the 'trips make it that long, the transfer will be tomorrow. A sad day for me on an unrelated note. My aunt (my dad’s sister) died this weekend from complications to a fall and subsequent broken hip. I will not be able to attend the funeral which will be tomorrow, and I feel guilty for putting myself and the less than 20% chance that this will all pan out ahead of my family’s loss.

I try to brace myself up by saying there’s nothing that can be done for my aunt at this time, and my father and the last sister will be surrounded by other family and probably won’t even notice our absence. I also try to justify it by adding that I’m only trying to carry on with the family tree…but it just isn’t doing it for me.

I’m sad. I’m crying because I don’t know if the embies made it through the night. I’m sad that I’m crying for me and not for my aunt.


Edited: The clinic called and Uni, Buck and QB are still plugging away at "Code 2". Transfer is still tentative for tomorrow as Day 6 embryos. They rarely wait until Day 7 to do a transfer and Nurse Wonderful has only seen that once or twice in all the years she has been there. It's still a distinct possibility that all three could disentegrate into Code 3, which makes them no longer viable.

C'mon babes. Hang in there!

10 Punches:

At 8:03 AM, Blogger Catizhere said...

oh DD, (((HUGS)))
I'm praying for you family (present AND future) right now.

I'm sure your dad will understand if you can't be at the funeral.

At 8:51 AM, Blogger Cricket said...

I am so sorry you have so much on your mind. If your aunt knew, she would probably understand.

I hope the lab calls soon.

At 10:40 AM, Blogger The Queen Mama said...

Don't be too hard on yourself. Where your aunt is now, she knows what's in your heart. And how great would it be if you could hand your dad another grandchild in nine months?

I'm hoping right along with you.

At 11:56 AM, Anonymous Kris said...

Lots and lots of hugs! I am so sorry about your aunt- and I truly hope that your family realizes just how important this is. You most definitely made the right decision in putting this first.

I'm pulling for the little guys- and for you! =)

At 12:07 PM, Anonymous Alexa said...

I am so sorry to hear about your aunt. Your nerves may be too frayed to handle hope right now, so I will hope and believe for you that your embryos will make it to transfer tomorrow in beautiful shape. You are, of course, in my thoughts.

At 1:14 PM, Blogger Suz said...

I'm so sorry for everything that you're going through right now - and I'm hoping that the trips grow strong and prosper!

At 2:22 PM, Blogger Spanglish said...

I'm so glad that your triplets have made it this far.

the queen mama is right, your aunt knows what is in your heart -- and I'm sure your dad does, too.

I haven't checked the blogs in two days -- I was so nervous when I clicked on your icon, and now I'm so relieved that there are still three.

Three is a good number -- full of possibilities.

Hope is low in my emotional repertoire, too -- but I'll wish on eyelashes and stars that this 20% is beats all the odds for you.

At 3:02 PM, Anonymous Leggy said...

When it rains, it pours, doesn't it?

I'm sorry about your aunt and about the crappy timing of it all. DO NOT feel guilty about not being there tomorrow- the important thing is to be there later, after all the crowds have gone home and everyone else has moved on with their lives and you and your family are still grieving.

I hope your trips keep growing.

At 8:06 PM, Anonymous joie said...

Oh, I am never going to stay away from the internet that long again! It sounds like you are really carrying a lot of worries right now. I will be thinking of you and the triplets tomorrow with fingers crossed!

At 12:35 AM, Blogger Firebrand said...

I'm going to think positively that everything is going fine tonight for those little embryos and that they'll all be able to find a new home safe and secure in your warm, comfy uterus very, very soon!


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