Heavy Heart

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Because I don’t think my nerves are raw enough, I am sipping a nice, hot cup of cappuccino in an attempt to warm the nerves long exposed to both anticipation and dread.

This morning, Mr. DD and I woke up to the little click of the TV, which is automatically set to come on at a quarter ‘till. The morning’s potential for a transfer was obviously on both our minds, but neither of us said anything. We just lay in bed holding hands and watching a few minutes of news.

I’m now at work and have been for almost 2 hours and still no word about Uni, Buck and BQ. I called the clinic about 30 minutes ago and their lab hasn’t called them with the results, but Nurse Dufus said the transfer probably won’t be today. I’m now worried that the little embies will have to endure another 24 hours in a hostile Petri-dish instead of a nice, cushy uterus.

I feel sick.

So, if the 'trips make it that long, the transfer will be tomorrow. A sad day for me on an unrelated note. My aunt (my dad’s sister) died this weekend from complications to a fall and subsequent broken hip. I will not be able to attend the funeral which will be tomorrow, and I feel guilty for putting myself and the less than 20% chance that this will all pan out ahead of my family’s loss.

I try to brace myself up by saying there’s nothing that can be done for my aunt at this time, and my father and the last sister will be surrounded by other family and probably won’t even notice our absence. I also try to justify it by adding that I’m only trying to carry on with the family tree…but it just isn’t doing it for me.

I’m sad. I’m crying because I don’t know if the embies made it through the night. I’m sad that I’m crying for me and not for my aunt.

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Edited: The clinic called and Uni, Buck and QB are still plugging away at "Code 2". Transfer is still tentative for tomorrow as Day 6 embryos. They rarely wait until Day 7 to do a transfer and Nurse Wonderful has only seen that once or twice in all the years she has been there. It's still a distinct possibility that all three could disentegrate into Code 3, which makes them no longer viable.

C'mon babes. Hang in there!