Sunday, January 01, 2006


I’m sorry if I scared any of you with the initial tone of my last post. It wasn’t intentional.


Yes it was.

I cannot pretend that my writing is brilliant by any stretch of the imagination. I believe I pulled a B in the lit class in college and that was because I tested well, not because of my literary skills. And if you believe this person’s comment (I corrected the spelling) on one of The Goddesses of Blogs, I certainly only have the angst going for me:

“Angst is necessary if someone isn’t funny or insightful but you don't need any, so call off any dramas you had planned on our account.”

Starting earlier in the week and as you certainly noted in Wednesday’s and Thursday’s posts, I was convinced that the IVF had failed. I made more bathroom trips in those two days just to take stock of what I thought would/should be there on the tp any moment.

Even after everyone’s common sense advice, I did what the Normal Woman 8dp3dt (8 days post 3 day *embryo* transfer), and unwrapped the last Evil Pee Test Thursday a.m. If you NEVER have done this, YOU are not normal, my Friend…no offense.

As I was saying, one Evil Piss Test of the pink variety was peed on Thursday a.m. BFN. All day Thursday I was either a ranting lunatic or a sobbing, pitiful shell, but even with ALL the cramping I just didn’t know what to think. I called the RE’s office and ask Nurse K. to be honest: Is it too early for me to get a positive on an HPT? “Well,” she started on a cautious note, “These two days before your test day can be iffy. Yes, to be honest, many will already have a positive on this day, but a negative does not indicate what will happen on beta day.” I then tearfully told her that I don’t know how anyone does this cycle after cycle without throwing themselves in front of a train, and then I told her with the warning of not to be offended, that this whole IVF thing is just One Big Mind-Fuck. She kindly agreed, but suggested I hold out until Saturday before throwing in the towel.

So can you guess what I did? I went out and bought a 3-pack of HPTs, this time of the blue-positive variety. I’m sick, aren’t I?

Thursday nite, just so I can go to bed with more tortured thoughts of failure, I stick-peed again. I wish you could see what I saw, because even now, neither Mr. DD nor myself can make out the now invisible positive line I swore was there Thursday nite. A trick of light? My desperate imagination? I don’t know anymore, but I sat another one out for Friday a.m. At 4:00am I awoke and decided I wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep until I had used up the 2nd pee stick. And sure as shit, it was positive!

So by Saturday a.m. I knew the beta would be positive; I just wanted to know the number. 44. Not impressive, but within the range of normal so I floated on a fluffy, white cloud for the rest of the day and my second beta is scheduled this Monday a.m.

My cloud has gotten darker since yesterday. I’m letting Paranoia bring me down. Get off my cloud, you fat whore-Paranoia! There’s only room for two and Hope has already started getting bloated and gained a half pound (lovely fricken’ digital scales!).

I just keep re-reading your comments to prevent me from be sucked completely down. I can do this, dammit!

BTW, did you see that the “ttytt” mystery was solved? “To Tell You The Truth”! Thank you Kris and the power of G%gle; and of course Firebrand, who got us to use that gray matter between our ears in the first place! But, I still need more suggestions for The “A” List, so keep ‘em coming!

6 Punches:

At 11:01 AM, Blogger Cricket said...

Remember that part about us trading places? I'm calling the bet now.

BTW, I TOLD you to wait until Friday, silly.

At 11:08 AM, Blogger Firebrand said...

I think it's totally natural to be paranoid right now. Not that it's good for the psyche, of course... ;)

Positive thinking really does go a long way. Even with all of the positive thoughts I tried to shove into the recesses of my mind when I tested positive after miscarrying, I still did that tp check for months. It's all natural, I think...that "waiting for the other shoe to drop" feeling. But, still, I advocate some positive thinking and talking to that l'il embryo. Tell him/her to hang in there! It worked for me this time...24w5d as of today! ;)

*fingers crossed* for awesome beta results tomorrow!

At 11:37 AM, Blogger Catizhere said...

Hey D,
I'll tell you that "Everything is FINE!!" Ok, now you tell me...

There. We'll just keep going back & forth with that until we can feel the babes squirming & kicking. Kay??

I'm still doing the tp checks too!

At 4:08 PM, Anonymous Leggy said...

DD- I really get where you are coming from. I think anyone of us who's had a pregnancy loss can relate. You are supposed to feel this joy over a positive beta, or a doubling beta, or whatever, but all I can think of is, well, yeah, but at this point in the last pregnancy all looked good too. Just try to keep calm and go day by day, and hopefully next summer we'll both have new babies at home.

At 6:19 PM, Blogger Cricket said...

Like you need any reminders, but I hope things go well tomorrow and you post ASAP!

At 7:14 PM, Blogger Nico said...

Crossing my fingers for tomorrow!

I keep feeling myself up because sore boobs are the only symptom I have at the moment, and I'm so afraid that even that is going to go away.

It's a very tenuous place we're in. But hopefully everything will continue to go well!!!


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