PSYCH ! !

I’m sorry if I scared any of you with the initial tone of my last post. It wasn’t intentional.

OK.

Yes it was.

I cannot pretend that my writing is brilliant by any stretch of the imagination. I believe I pulled a B in the lit class in college and that was because I tested well, not because of my literary skills. And if you believe this person’s comment (I corrected the spelling) on one of The Goddesses of Blogs, I certainly only have the angst going for me:

“Angst is necessary if someone isn’t funny or insightful but you don't need any, so call off any dramas you had planned on our account.”

Starting earlier in the week and as you certainly noted in Wednesday’s and Thursday’s posts, I was convinced that the IVF had failed. I made more bathroom trips in those two days just to take stock of what I thought would/should be there on the tp any moment.

Even after everyone’s common sense advice, I did what the Normal Woman 8dp3dt (8 days post 3 day *embryo* transfer), and unwrapped the last Evil Pee Test Thursday a.m. If you NEVER have done this, YOU are not normal, my Friend…no offense.

As I was saying, one Evil Piss Test of the pink variety was peed on Thursday a.m. BFN. All day Thursday I was either a ranting lunatic or a sobbing, pitiful shell, but even with ALL the cramping I just didn’t know what to think. I called the RE’s office and ask Nurse K. to be honest: Is it too early for me to get a positive on an HPT? “Well,” she started on a cautious note, “These two days before your test day can be iffy. Yes, to be honest, many will already have a positive on this day, but a negative does not indicate what will happen on beta day.” I then tearfully told her that I don’t know how anyone does this cycle after cycle without throwing themselves in front of a train, and then I told her with the warning of not to be offended, that this whole IVF thing is just One Big Mind-Fuck. She kindly agreed, but suggested I hold out until Saturday before throwing in the towel.

So can you guess what I did? I went out and bought a 3-pack of HPTs, this time of the blue-positive variety. I’m sick, aren’t I?

Thursday nite, just so I can go to bed with more tortured thoughts of failure, I stick-peed again. I wish you could see what I saw, because even now, neither Mr. DD nor myself can make out the now invisible positive line I swore was there Thursday nite. A trick of light? My desperate imagination? I don’t know anymore, but I sat another one out for Friday a.m. At 4:00am I awoke and decided I wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep until I had used up the 2nd pee stick. And sure as shit, it was positive!

So by Saturday a.m. I knew the beta would be positive; I just wanted to know the number. 44. Not impressive, but within the range of normal so I floated on a fluffy, white cloud for the rest of the day and my second beta is scheduled this Monday a.m.

My cloud has gotten darker since yesterday. I’m letting Paranoia bring me down. Get off my cloud, you fat whore-Paranoia! There’s only room for two and Hope has already started getting bloated and gained a half pound (lovely fricken’ digital scales!).

I just keep re-reading your comments to prevent me from be sucked completely down. I can do this, dammit!

BTW, did you see that the “ttytt” mystery was solved? “To Tell You The Truth”! Thank you Kris and the power of G%gle; and of course Firebrand, who got us to use that gray matter between our ears in the first place! But, I still need more suggestions for The “A” List, so keep ‘em coming!