Monday, December 26, 2005

Who Will Decide? Faith or Hope?

Since the transfer last Wednesday I have overheard Jerry say to close friends and family (in jest), “I just hope it’s not triplets,” in the relating of our IVF process. Every time I heard him say this, I would see red. So last night after Max passed out from exhaustion from having Christmas at three different houses, we talked.

I myself am dealing with the guilt of not thinking positively and reading every sign, and lack-thereof, as one more and final, failed cycle. So I tried to explain how I interpret his bemoaning of triplets as the worst possible outcome as an arrow into my shield of Faith and Hope. The worst case scenario for us is that this IVF will have failed, and we will be done.

I further explained how if that was the case, then not only will I realize the harsh reality that we will be a family of three, and Hope will have her ass kicked to the curb; but it may also mean I will probably lose the last of the Faith I had been trying so desperately to hang onto. And it’s not necessarily me that I’m trying to hold onto it for, but for Max. Jerry and I were both raised Catholics and it was an important part of our childhoods. As adults we were left with the decision on whether or not we would pursue and continue that tradition. It wasn’t until Max came along that we thought he should at least partake in it so he can as an adult have the same options we had. I hope that makes some sense, I’m not really with it today (hopped up on cold medicine).

The point I wanted to make with Jerry was that he needed to realize that we would be incredibly blessed to have triplets, even though the chances of that happening are incredibly rare. That would mean that Someone thought we were strong enough to handle that. To find out that even with all the medical assistance and a near perfect transfer, we would come up empty handed would tell me that we just aren’t worthy or capable of raising more children.

This morning after Max woke us at 7:00, I told Jerry I needed another hour of sleep. I dozed off again and I awoke about 50 minutes later in a panic: I had dreamt that my period had started, and I was never so glad to have pulled from a deep sleep. All these things are taking a toll on me mentally, physically and spiritually. It’s the latter that I will have the hardest time recovering from, if ever.

Remember when I said in an earlier post that I was going to need a lot of hand-holding? Well, I need that more than ever right now.

12 Punches:

At 8:55 AM, Blogger Cricket said...

Anxiety sucks.

My recent poem said somthing akin to, "Here's hoping you don't need hope too long."

At 11:14 AM, Anonymous Kris said...

I can only surmise that it's natural, though that doesn't make the time pass faster, the husband understand the perfect thing to say, or the anxiety ebb. "Someone" knows that no matter how much it sucks- you are strong enough tomake it through the next week- and that when you get good news, it will be all the more precious.

At 12:51 PM, Anonymous Leggy said...

DD- I'll be here, holding your hand. I so hope that we both get big fat positives this week- but if we don't (or if one of us does and the other doesn't), I hope we can still help each other through this.

It sucks and its hard. I really, truly hope it works- for both of us.

At 1:07 PM, Blogger DD said...

Of course, Leggy. Everytime I think about how many days for me, I know that it's 2 less for you and the butterflies start going in my stomach.

I'm holding your hand, too.

At 3:47 PM, Anonymous Dooneybug said...

The wait is so excruciating, in more ways than one. Know that I'm thinking of you and wish this is the time things work.

At 7:27 AM, Blogger April said...

I wish that we could be there to hold your hand for you in person. But since my arms aren't that long - know that I'm here - holding it at least in spirit.

Thinking of you.

At 9:06 AM, Anonymous Alexa said...

Virtually holding your hand and hoping for the very best for you, my dear...

At 10:34 AM, Anonymous thalia said...

This is what I sometimes hate about religion - that you can possibly think that finding out none of those embyos stuck will be a signal that someone up there thinks you are not worthy is just so awful I don't know where to start. Of course you deserve to be a parent again - whether to triplets or twins or a singleton. Whether this works or not there is no question of whether or not you deserve it.

Ugh, I am so sorry that this is so hard. I hope very hard that you get yoyr heart's desire.

At 12:22 PM, Blogger Catizhere said...

well THATs odd....
I could swear I hit Post, yet my comment didn't go through.. Blogger ate it.

Anyway, I said,
It makes it really hard to type with one hand, but I'm holding yours right now!

I have a handful of Ova Girls Niggling Doubts flying around me as we "speak" but I'm trying to keep a brave face & hold onto that hunk of Faith.

At 1:57 PM, Blogger The Queen Mama said...

Wow...where to start? First, with the obvious. I so very much pray for you that your heart's desire is fulfilled with this round of IVF.

Second, on to sharing something for which you may hate me, but I really want to share it with you. Hubby and I are also fellow Catholics, but for us right now the problem with Faith is trusting God to hold our family at the size that it currently is...three boys age 5 and under. Apparently, he just looks at me the right way and I conceive. I hope you don't hate me for that. If I could share my fertility with you (or to any infertile couple who might want it) I would so gladly do so.

But where we are the same, you and I, is at those crossroads of Hope and Faith. It is so hard to stand there sometimes and realize that, as much as we want to stick our hands into everything, it is literally out of our hands. There is a plan for each of us that cannot be known. You may go on to have another child, another two or three even, if you so desire. I could wake up barren tomorrow...or pregnant next month.

So of course, I pray for a successful IVF round for you. But I so strongly hope that, should your heart's desire not be fulfilled this month, that you continue to hold on tightly to your Faith. Because I firmly believe it is the one thing that will get you through that outcome in one piece. And as for a failed IVF cycle meaning God thinks you can't handle another? I really hope you don't buy into that. I know I don't. Maybe instead, try to remember that prayers are sometimes answered not with "yes" or "no," but "not now."

I don't have much time for daily prayer these days, but lately I've started a simple one during times of high stress. I just say "Thy will be done," and I try like hell to mean it. It seems to help. Maybe it could help you, too.

Love and peace to you, dear.

At 4:40 PM, Anonymous gmansmama said...

You are SO in my prayers. I hope this IVF is the one that works!

I too am dealing with secondary infertility. Just had all the tests... We have an 8-year old son and have been trying for 2 years. Today, we did IUI along with Clomid and some shot he gave me yesterday. It's hard... I know it is. Add two miscarriages to that and I was a mess.

I'll hold your hand too. If you'll hold mine? :) Good luck and keep the faith, k?

At 6:29 PM, Blogger DD said...

gmansmama: thanks for thinking of me and holding my hand. Yes, I will definitely be thinking of you as you go thru this cycle.

You have ALL been a salve to my heart.


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