Sunday, January 29, 2006

Everyone's a Winner!

I've had a couple of days to cool down from the other day when Mr. DD extolled the brilliant idea about us trying naturally to conceive, which honestly, I find a waste of time. But...I have to admit, I need some time off from what has been eluding us now officially a year. My life has become categorized as cycles and that's not what I want to reminisce about my late 30's.

So many IF blogs talk about their seek for a baby as a roller coaster ride. I'm sure I did, too. It's not. I have found this past year to only be a merry-go-round. A roller coaster takes you to great heights, where you feel giddy with excitement and possibilities, and then plummets back down into failure and loss. Instead, I feel we have gone round and round, with each full rotation equally a cycle. At first the the hard fiber-glass horses appear full of life, frozen in high-stepping trots, but after sitting on them for a while, you see the chips and the cracks in the horse's finish, the seat becomes unbearably hard, and you notice how many lights under the canopy have burned out and been neglected. I came close once to the brass ring when my beta came back positive exactly a month ago, but it slipped out of my fingers and fell to the dust below. I'm getting dizzy and it's time for me to check out the rest of the carnival for a couple of months.

I am still waiting to talk to Mr. DD about a compromise, but I can never seem to get very far into the conversation without him accusing me of how I think he is being incapable of producing a child without medical intervention. He's hurting and I'm hurting. He even said that it was a good thing I didn't know about the MFI (Male Factor Infertility) when we started trying in 2001, or we would've never had X because of how dependent he seems to think I am on professional assistance. I'm willing to try w/o Dr. Blinksalot and medication for a couple of months, but I want him to agree to either a 2nd IVF or a sperm donor *if* that doesn't work within a certain time-frame.

So to help remind ourselves that our love is not there strictly for procreating, we will try to re-connect with each other as husband and wife. We've already planned a brief vacation in Vegas late March in correspondence to some business travel.

Thank you for your input on why you think bloggers stop blogging. I find the thought of someone blogging only to resolve an issue and then stopping when that ONE issue has been resolved rather sad. I never knew I would form bonds with so many of you, but I have. I'm sure everyone has in their own way, so when these bloggers stop, do they quit the relationships they started? I would feel used if I routinely tried to provide support to a blogger, whether it be within the comments or seperate emails, if that blogger just stopped. "Used" seems like a strong word, but it's the best I can seem to come up with.

Plus, I figure if one issue was resolved - getting pregnant, doesn't that bring on the next issue - pregnancy? And doesn't that lead to trying to raise a baby, toddler, preschooler, adolescent, and so on and so forth? Those are all buggers in their own right, and if someone sought out blogging support for one, why not the other, even if it meant your audience could and probably would change?

So, no, I'm not going anywhere, even if you were secretly hoping I was bailing. Yeah, I'm talking to you, Cricket, you little snip. But if you are willing to continue to put up with my butchery of the English language/spelling, and provide support when needed (because I'm a Comment Whore), I'm willing to put up with any and all assvice, advice, and anything in between.

OK, ...let's go get us some funnel cakes and warm beer, and please don't tell the carney your real name for fuck's sake!

8 Punches:

At 11:47 AM, Blogger DinosaurD said...

Oh no, please don't let your husband see your characterization of sex with him as "a waste of time". (wicked snickering)

I'm slow on the uptake but with regards to your last post, I think perhaps some of the people who stop blogging do so as they haven't formed strong relationships with anyone who reads their blog.

I know that I will continue blogging (although perhaps not a lot) until after whatever frozen cycles I have this fall. I forsee the need of the outlet at that time.

However, I will continue to read the blogs I have linked to until those people have some resolution (?)or stop blogging themselves (that's one of the reason I don't have many links - it's a promise I've made myself that I will keep up with these people).

I'm also a little peeved that you and Wessel are both still under my everyday links and have not yet required me to form some "pregnant links".

Don't get me started on carousels.


At 12:00 PM, Blogger Cricket said...

Wha? Paranoid?

Now that you mention it, aren't all REs like carnival barkers: fancy talk to woo away your bucks for a chance that the dart meets the balloon?

At 12:31 PM, Anonymous Kris said...

It's a good analagy. One I think we all wish we couldn't relate to.

I think your compromise is a good one- and I hope that once you have a chance to reconnect, it will make clear the reason you both started down this path to begin with.

At 4:28 PM, Blogger Spanglish said...

Your last line made me smile, and today a smile has been hard to come by. Thanks!

At 4:35 PM, Blogger Spanglish said...

By the way... I would never think you're a hypocritical bitch. We all have different stories. Yours is no less painful than mine just because your infertility is secondary.

At 6:51 PM, Anonymous Kim said...

De-Lurking here... I am not currently going through the same thing you are right now (I'm not yet able to even try so I have no clue how successful it will be), but I do have a blog. There are a lot of people out there who just blog about their lives. This is actually my first experience reading people who talk almost exclusively about one thing in their lives. It is interesting but I do find myself wishing for more about you. Hoever, once that thing changes it may make someone want to start a new blog or simply move on having gotten the support they needed for that time. Just a few thoughts... Best of luck that your break will bring you what you need!

At 7:42 PM, Blogger The Queen Mama said...

Mmmm...funnel cakes. You just mentioned my #1 top guilty food pleasure. I live for my hometown's Halloween festival, when they are evilly abundant.

Nice merry-go-round metaphor, by the way.

And I hope you really enjoy the next few months (or whatever time frame you decide upon) together.

At 4:10 AM, Anonymous thalia said...

I'm not sure I've ever had a funnel cake. Sounds yummy.

I'm glad you will keep blogging. I want to know the rest of your story.


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