Monday, April 03, 2006

No. 144 - Apparently, I Suck

Remember the niece who recently announced her pregnancy? Well, she (Mary*) and her husband (Joe*) decided to make a trip from their home on the East Coast to visit us here. Plus, the other niece who delivered her baby was coming up as well to Small Town. I was absolutely dreading this weekend. I envisioned sitting down for dinner with New Mommy to my right and Pregnant Woman to my left and silently willing for a stray bullet to take me out quickly and cleanly.

As much as I was dreading the encounter, I was looking forward to seeing Mary. She's a sweet gal who can be quite catty and snarky (you know, in a good way) and you would never know it when she delivers a zinger in her soft, southern draw. By Saturday afternoon, they still hadn't arrived in Small Town even though their flight came in Friday nite. I asked Mr. DD if he had heard from them yet or if his sister had decided to hoard them the entire weekend, as she is wont to do. That's when he told me that Mary miscarried her baby on the flight at 10 weeks exactly.

I feel like an asshole. I remember when we talked to Mary a few weeks ago on the phone and she excitedly told me she was 6 weeks pregnant, and I evilly thought, "don't go out and buy any baby furniture yet".

Bitter Cynic, table of one...

Saturday nite, when I finally got to talk to her alone, she later told me that she had been spotting and cramping for a while and just a week ago had an ultrasound where everything looked normal: growth - check, movement - check, heartrate normal - check. Her doctor gave her the OK to fly. On the flight she said the cramping was horrible, and she even timed the "contractions" to 5 minutes apart. They landed, she went into the airport bathroom soaking from the waist down in blood and passed the placenta/baby in whole. She had no way or means to salvage the "products of conception" and therefore had no choice but to flush it all away. She will never really know what had happened to her baby but has already taken the stand that it was genetically imperfect.

She is surprisingly calm. She and her husband held the new baby and not one tear slipped passed their cheeks. I don't know if she is in shock waiting to get back home before breaking; or if she's just that strong. She even told me she is "fine" as she had been "prepared" for this to happen.

How does one "prepare" for a miscarriage? I want to know that secret, please.

Personal factoid: I have to taken motion sickness medicine before I fly.

13 Punches:

At 9:05 AM, Anonymous Molly said...

Oh, no. How sad for your niece.

At 10:00 AM, Blogger DinosaurD said...

My guess is that she's not "fine". Sometimes it is worse to talk about it (with anyone) and sometimes denial works well for a while as well. I don't think anyone could be fine with a miscarriage (especially after the infertility struggle - they had male factor, right?)
On another note, please tell me that your ad $$$ will be going to the next IVF?

At 10:47 AM, Blogger N said...

ohhhh what a horrible story. How sad is that. And no, it is not you that sucks. What a horrible story, she must have been traumatized by it so much that she has yet to reveal/notice her true feelings about it.

I take the motion meds too...or I just hopp over it and throw up right away, because in andy case (if I take the shitty meds or not) I will be filling my littel bag :-(

Take care!


At 11:15 AM, Blogger Norma said...

The first thing she needs to do when she gets back home is change doctors. I can't believe he told her it was OK to fly. What if she had hemorrhaged in the rest room?

Miscarriages that early are usually for the best, but they do take an emotional toll.

At 12:27 PM, Blogger Beagle said...

How awful . . . I am very sorry both for Mary's loss and the sad news'affect on you.

Denial is actually very useful at times, but don't let it fool you . . . I'm sure she can't be fine just yet.

At 1:03 PM, Blogger Well-heeled mom said...

Of course she's not fine, anymore than you are an ass for thinking she should not yet shop for baby things. Both are normal reactions under the circumstances - envy and denial.

At 1:51 PM, Anonymous TB said...

You don't suck. Your reactions and feelings are so normal.
I'm so sorry for her and I'm sure that when it all hits her, she will deal with her grief and I know that you will be there for her because of the kind of person you are.

At 2:15 PM, Anonymous Erin said...

Definitely denial. Hope she holds up okay.

At 7:23 PM, Blogger Demeter said...

I am sorry for Mary. The pain must be profound, an on the outside she may be holding it together, but it hurts like hell.
So sorry...

At 9:33 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh no. How awful. That poor girl.

But she may have been "fine" that day. After my second miscarriage and D&C, I actually frolicked with my little niece that evening. It was almost as if my emotions were all just on hold. And they did come out two or three days later. Oh boy did they come out.

At 9:34 AM, Anonymous Kath said...

Oops sorry -- that last one was from me. Apparently, *I* suck!

At 9:39 AM, Anonymous Orodemniades said...

Oh, I'm so sorry for your niece.

At 9:40 AM, Blogger One Mother's Journey said...

You don't suck - the situation sucks. If she was fine at that moment, I'm sure it was due to the shock of the situation. I'm so sorry for her loss.

I can't share in the opinion of another commenter though that said miscarriages that early are usually for the best. What would have been for the best for the babies I lost and for myself would have been for them to be born healthy and alive.


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