Sunday, February 26, 2006

Ka-BOOM!

There have been posts too numerous to count that touch on the emotions that surround secondary infertility. I don't plan on tackling that quite yet, as that is the type of post that requires more drafting and editing than I normally do with my posts, which are usually typed and posted within the same sitting.

However, I really thought that one of the responses I would get with my last post, which asked (hypothetically) why we wanted more than one child, would be a dressing down by someone who is facing primary infertility. So far that has not happened, but that doesn't mean that one (or more) of you weren't thinking what a selfish hag I am. My response to that? You bet. I am selfish and if I could have it all, I would. I'd have the husband who prefers to be called Doctor DD; I'd have a summer and winter home in places that were always warm and pleasant; and I'd have the 2.5 kids spaced 2.5 years apart. My motto? "It's all about ME!" But that doesn't mean I'm insensitive to your fears, concerns or that I don't celebrate in your achievements. Thank you for doing the same for me.

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Can you believe lately that my imagination is getting the best of me, AGAIN?! I've been pregnant three times (possibly four: positive HPT back in January 2005, but a week later, I tested negative at the OB's when I started bleeding - I didn't do the offered beta test - why bother if I was bleeding heavily?). I thought I learned not to look too early for signals based on my experience from the IVF. I didn't have any of pregnancy signs (nausea, tenderness, fatigue) until after the HPT came back positive. So why am I looking already for clues, especially with how this cycle was literally a shot in the dark? In fact, at the most I'm 10DPO, that's if I even did ovulate, but I have the breast tenderness and my asthma has gotten worse (which it has only done during the last two pregnancies). On the other hand, PMS and my recent bronchitis can account for both those tricks of the mind.

There is only one symptom lately that makes me fairly certain, at least 99% certain, that we could never have gotten so lucky on our first month out of the RE clinic to get pregnant, and that is my recent unabated craving for chocolate. As much as I L.O.V.E. chocolate, the recent desire to consume the bag of Nestle baking chips I have hidden in the pantry, which I've partly already accomplished, has been the tasty death knell of this cycle.

In a weird way, I was really hoping this would work only so Mr. DD and I don't have to sit down and argue each of our sides: his being we need to keep trying on our own; and mine being let's gear up for IVF#2 by starting a cycle of BCP as soon as my period starts next week. That conversation will have all the volatibility of a pack-mule carrying nitro down through the Grand Canyon.

5 Punches:

At 2:29 PM, Blogger DinosaurD said...

I'm keeping my fingers crossed anyway - chocolate chips be damned.
DinoD

 
At 4:48 PM, Anonymous mm said...

So funny... I had to remove my hand from a bag of chocolate chips in order to type this comment!! (Not that dumping handfuls of chocoate into my mouth is out of the ordinary for me...) I'm hoping for you.

 
At 5:02 PM, Blogger Cricket said...

Ok, going to get an Almond Joy mini -- I fooled you with the 'an' -- hahaha, I make myself laugh.



I wish you such success.

 
At 5:28 PM, Anonymous Kris said...

IF is IF is IF whether it's the first time, the second time, or the third fourth or fifth. It doesn't make it hurt any less. You have every right to try for more children, and you have every right to be upset, angry, disapointed, you name it, if it doesn't work.

(and don't give up... as DiniD said, chocolate be damned!)

 
At 11:36 AM, Anonymous Alexa said...

I hope the chocolate craving is meaningless, but if not, I will be thinking of you especially hard as you have your conversation with Mr. DD. And as usual, feel free to email if you need to talk (or just rant a bit). You know I sympathize with that sort of conversation...

 

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