Sunday, February 05, 2006

Friends...Minus the Rachel 'Do

Third time for this post...is a charm? We will see...

I have a friend that I haven't communicated with for several months. We live only a few hours apart from each other, but I think the growing separation between us is related more to emotional distance and not the physical. At one time we worked for the same employer and we even shared an apartment during a few months when Mr. DD and I were "on a break" (which actually led to our engagement). X and her first child were born within a few weeks of each other and a couple of years later she had her second.

It was after the birth of this 2nd child that things seem to have changed. I don't know if it's related to my discovered infertility or if we truly have just grown apart. In fact, we have not seen each other since right before my miscarriage over a year ago. We've talked only a couple of times in the past year and the last email I received from her that wasn't a FW:,FW:,FW: was late October. Actually it was a reply to an email we had sent about the progress of our house. In that email reply, she asked how the baby thing was coming. In response, I sent her my blog link. Based on my sitemeter, I know that she went to my blog once since then.

Let me be clear that this is not about me whining about a friend who doesn't read my blog. I already have a couple of other friends who do read this, and sometimes it's a little awkward having a conversation live about something they've already read on my blog. I feel like the elderly grandma who tells a story over and over because I can't remember that I told the same story the day before.

No, this is about someone who was once a close friend who read through a few posts back in November, and has not acknowledged me since. I received no Christmas card; no thank-you for the gifts I sent her children for Christmas; not a word - written or spoken.I can't help but wonder why. I mentioned to Mr. DD that I have a sneaking suspicion that in the time I haven't seen her, that she either has had another baby or is at the very least expecting her third and somehow, our own reproductive problems have created some type of rift in within our friendship.

My friends I see every day and who know about our problems are empathetic, and I try to not let it take over our conversations, even though I admit, it does. However, I have not felt as if our relationships have changed significantly from a year ago when the shit hit the proverbial fan.

Have any of you had friends who you felt in some ways, abandoned you when you went through some personal set-backs; or am I just experiencing the natural degeneration of a friendship not nurtured by frequent visits and phone calls? Should I make another attempt to contact her even though there was no reciprocation/acknowledgement of holiday cards and gifts; or is that petty? Maybe I sent her the wrong signal about where our friendship was by sending her my blog link instead of answering her personally. I just don't know anymore.

12 Punches:

At 12:38 PM, Blogger DD said...

I will post on behalf of a few emails I received on this post since the comment section hasn't been working so hot with Blogger lately.

We will see if Blogger decides to reject me as well...

 
At 12:40 PM, Blogger DD said...

"...For your friend, I would suggest testing the water one more time with a pretty friend valentine containing a special picture of your son or the progress on your house, something happy and not reproductive. Keep it light and see if she's interested. The way my mind works, I have to try everything I can think of to see if something will work, or else I think I haven't tried hard enough...."

Posted on the beautiful Cricket's behalf.

 
At 12:42 PM, Blogger DD said...

"EVERYONE's blogger seems to have major glitches over the last few days. It's not just you... but to respond to the previous post-

I can't say that I've lost any friends, but I can say that relationships with some of my friends are strained at times. There are times when I simply can't handle a conversation with moms that revolves around kids (this gets worse when there is more than one in any given place)... and there are times when protruding bellies are just too much. It just creates a distance that just was never there before."

Posted on the cute Kris's behalf.

 
At 12:44 PM, Blogger DD said...

"I've been trying to comment for a couple of days. Nothin'. I want you to know, though, that my comments that were not posted were Brilliant! and Funny! and Touching!

Yeah, that's the ticket."

Posted on the irresistable Erin's behalf.

 
At 2:22 PM, Anonymous Erin said...

Ohmigod! We are, like, totally cybertwins and all that.

I was just lamenting the fact that we just got a referral and a friend, whom I considered to be a BFF, hasn't even mentioned it. She has read my blog once and never returned.

If you figured out how to deal with it, I'm open to your wisdom.

 
At 1:32 AM, Blogger Thalia said...

Me, I'd be straight about it. I'd send her a letter saying that you miss her, and you're puzzled by her silence, that you can't help thinking that something you've said or done has made her feel uncomfortable around you and you'd like to deal with that as you miss her friendship. Then see what happens. Whatever you do, don't guess what it is that has caused her to be silent as you could have it completely wrong and that might upset her.

 
At 7:01 AM, Anonymous joie said...

I have one of those, too. Its a mystery to me. She lives accross the country and went to the effort of telling me she was coming out for a visit and then never showed, never returned emails, no thank yous for gifts. Then all of a sudden I was side swiped by a bulk email baby announcement a few months ago. I admit my response was a little short, but she has never sent me any kind of personal email.

I think these people have no idea they are hurting others. They are just selfish and carried away in their own lives.

 
At 7:19 AM, Blogger Dawn said...

Oh yes, my infertility/miscarriages did let me see who my friends were. Some of them couldn't handle it or thought I was overreacting. Some of them have come back since and some haven't. It was hard but it was also good to learn that I did have people I could lean on.

 
At 8:11 AM, Anonymous mm said...

My oldest friend and I have not had much of a relationship since she started having children and, well, I didn't. She knows that the last few years have been Hell for me and claims to want to be there for me, but actions speak louder than words. I live in the city, she lives in the burbs (about an hour away). I've been out to see her many times, she's never seen the apt I've lived in for 2.5 years bc she's too busy with the babies. We haven't even spoken on the phone for over 8 months. Just the other day she sent me a mass email asking when my birthday was. As if I needed more confirmation that we might as well be living on different planets right now. Thanks for your comment over the wknd!!

 
At 9:23 AM, Anonymous TB said...

It's never easy when a friendship dissolves for no apparent reason. It ends up feeling unresolved. But, You can't beat yourself up about why she hasn't contacted you. Whatever the reason, it's her issue and not yours.

 
At 2:54 PM, Blogger Spanglish said...

I had a friend who hid her second pregnancy from me. Her father passed away while she was expecting, and when I expressed that I wanted to pay my respects she said that the funeral was only for family. Everytime I tried to see her she had a reason why we couldn't meet. I found out that she'd had a second child when that baby was 5 months old -- and I only found out because a mutual friend accidentally told me about it. She went for fifteen months without mentioning her pregnancy, or the birth of her second child. She didn't allow me closure on the death of a man who was a huge part of my childhood.

I know she did it because she loves me and didn't know how to handle it, but it was shitty nonetheless. There is a definite rift between us now. It's stupid that infertility not only fucks with my life, but fucks with my friendships as well.

I go with Thalia's vote... be up front.

 
At 7:40 AM, Anonymous Kath said...

Dear DD, I don't know -- I can imagine it has to do with a fear of connecting, of feeling like she doesn't know what to say to you when she's got what you want. Of course, it is a bit insulting to second-guess you like that and cut you out of her life rather than seeing how you are. I can certainly relate to your feeling bewildered. It's sad to lose friendships. She might have felt hurt by something in your e-mail -- but then again, there might be an entirely different reason. What Thalia said made sense -- what have you got to lose by being upfront about things and trying to get at the truth?

I loved your visit with the PA, by the way. Great stuff!

 

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