Day 8 of IVF/ICSI Cycle

I have this recurring dream where I am swimming in deep water and run out of air. In a brief moment of panic, I realize I am too deep to make it to the surface in time to refill my lungs with air. At that point, the few remaining sane cells I still have working subconsciously remind me that this is just a dream and that it’s OK to breathe. I feel myself take a gasp, expecting to immediately choke and sputter, but find instead that I am breathing in the water, swimming, and actually enjoying myself.

I’m not into dream analysis, but find the following interpretation pertinent:

Dream Symbol: Underwater
Becoming immersed in your emotionsA dream in which you're swimming underwater may symbolize exploring or processing your emotionsBeing underwater in the ocean may denote communing with your soul or the spirit world

I am a teeter-totter of emotions. I usually come across to someone who is meeting me for the first time, or to a vague acquaintance as “intimidating” and even “bitchy”. To those who are closest to me, they know that this is my outer shell of protection and that inside I am a big pile of blubbering jello. Easy to shake up and usually very transparent (minus chunks of fruit, and godforbid, the occasional carrot chunks!).

I apologize I was such a mess on Day 5, but I was totally shocked by the results. All because I remained oblivious to what had happened in my earlier cycles.

Today, I am better. On my left ovary we have 5 follicles. Sizes at this time are 13, 12, 12, 10, 9. On the right, one currently lonely little plugger at 11. So, I have 6. Not great, but compared to just 2, a mini-miracle (thanks for the prayers and thoughts)! She doesn’t think there are any sleepers and 6 may very well be the “all the eggs in one basket” situation. Also, the estrogen has zoomed up to an impressive 654. This confirms that indeed, I am a Slow Cooker. I asked Dr. M. about my levels on the two IUIs and I’m surprised, yet relieved to see that the early levels of estrogen ranged 116 to 120, but consistently I would pick up speed so that by the procedure date, I was at my optimum level. Which brings up the one bit of bad news: even if we cancelled with hopes to try for an even better ovarian response, things probably wouldn’t be much different. Maybe they would have me take my 6:1 ratio of repronex and divide that into two equal injections daily; or possibly bump up to an 8:1 ratio divided in two. Dr. M. feels that my current response is about as good as it gets. So I will not be a super-producer as I had hoped. The bottom line is that if this cycle failed, we may not be able to fall back on FET.

For the next three nights, I will continue our regimen of repronex, in addition to the antagon starting Tuesday and Wednesday, followed by Day 11 U/S and lab on Thursday. By the way, Dr. M. waived the lupron in favor of the antagon, which supposedly does not suppress as much or for as long as the lupron.

I think it’s OK for me to breathe again.