Saturday, January 07, 2006

Sanity Check

I have been in a complete frazzle this a.m. I have been racing from one end of the house to another, unable to concentrate or focus.

Is it because I'm stressing about the upcoming FET? The loss of so many hopes and dreams via a failed IVF? Could it be X is driving me to abstraction with his "Mommy?"
"Yes, X." "
I wanna...(pause), Mommy?"
"Yes, X."
"I wanna...(pause), Mommy?"
"What, X!"
"I wanna...can I have a...(pause), Mommy?"
"WHAT, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY! X!"
"Can I have a Ho-Ho?"

AAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

Oh, no. It's not quite so mundane. Instead I cannot find a shirt. That's right. I bought a new t-shirt that I want to wear today and I cannot find it. I already have washed it once, wore it, and now I cannot find it. I have hearded all the laundry into the laundry room and sorted everything. I have checked my closet not once, not twice, but three times. Not there. I have even checked Mr. DD's and X's closets. Not there, either.

What the hell is going on? Did the uni-socked gnomes finally get cold and decide what better to go with one sock then a white, scooped-necked t-shirt with lace on the bottom?

Dammit!

Last night, I told Mr. DD something I don't think he ever expected to hear from me at this stage of the IF game, and that was I feel relieved.

Relieved that right now I don't have to stress about the mind-fuck game of "Am I, or am I not?" Even for the 48 hours I knew that I was pregnant, I was trying to figure out how I would make it until the baby was born without having continuous DBT (Dead Baby Thoughts). I don't have to dread the nightly injections of PIO, at least for a while. The lumps on my ass will subside and leave only the cottage cheese texture that has resided there since X was born. I will have a physical reprieve from major medications for a while, or a couple of weeks anyway. So I am relieved. I feel surprisingly light. It's almost a shame to admit it.

So, now where is the stupid shirt??!!

8 Punches:

At 9:24 AM, Blogger Cricket said...

Wow! Light? Light!

Niiiice.

 
At 10:12 AM, Anonymous Erin said...

Light? Light can be good. That is, if you want to feel light.

That's the funny thing about infertility, I think each round brings different feelings as we are trying to sort our brains out.

Oh, and I hope you find the shirt. I hate it when that happens.

 
At 11:36 AM, Blogger DD said...

I have found the shirt! It was in my closet all along. Did I mention I looked there...three times?!

All is right in the world, for today anyway.

 
At 11:36 AM, Blogger Catizhere said...

I'm so glad your not allowing yourself to be mired in quilt, shame, sadness, whatever.

Did you check your underwear drawer??

 
At 11:37 AM, Blogger Catizhere said...

quilt??? no, don't let your self be mired in quilt, don't curl up in bed with a big, soft, fluffy blankie....

:::sigh::: You know I mean *Guilt* right?

 
At 12:29 PM, Anonymous Leggy said...

I was wondering where Cat was going with the quilt thing... LOL

I'm glad you decided to do the FET- last I heard, you weren't going forward at all. So I guess you take this month off and then do the FET in February?

I so know what you mean re: having time off from it all. We had an 18 month forced break from it (long story) and on the one hand, it was frustrating not to move forward, and then on the other, it was nice not to be driven insane by every symptom or lack thereof.

Hoping January brings some peace to you.

 
At 9:54 PM, Blogger The Queen Mama said...

Thank you, DD, thank you from the bottom of my heart...for the image of a garden gnome dressed only in one sock, his jaunty little hat, and your little white shirt with the lace trim. Woo-hoo! What a fun image. Needed that one. Glad you found the shirt.

Trust your feelings and embrace each one as it comes. Honesty with yourself with help get you through. Love and peace to you...

 
At 1:19 AM, Anonymous Kath said...

Glad you found the shirt now. That stuff is maddening. And I'm even more glad that you're OK right now. This stuff does tend to come in waves, and it's always good to feel OK.

Thinking of you.

 

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