Friday, December 09, 2005

Day 5 of IVF/ICSI Cyle

Today's appt didn't go very well and I'm already preparing for the distinct possibility that it will be cancelled. I have only two small follicles and my estrogen level was only 132. This is after 3 nights straight of repronex. S. from the RE's office called with the "great"news, but tried to keep me optimistic by pointing out that I appear to be a rather "slow cooker".

I never asked what my levels were with the IUI. Either because they were never presented to me with the description of "low"; and/or maybe because there wasn't as much riding on those cycles. I am not to increase the repronex at this time, but will return on Monday, Day 8. They would like to have at least 4 good follicles to continue with an IVF cycle. I'm thinking I want more than that because with the way my luck is going, they'd get 4, and I'd get back 1 sub-standard embryo. To me, that would not be worth the expense, and of course, the stress of trying to will a poor quality embryo to stick around for 9 months.

I don't understand this. What did I do in my life to bring such unhappiness, disappointment and misery to myself? I try to be a good person. I think I always have. But I must have done something to someone at some time because I believe in what goes around, comes around. Whatever I did and whoever you are, I am so g*ddamn sorry and I will get down on my knees and kiss the ground you walk on and beg forgiveness every day of my life if you would just let me have this chance. Please, oh please! I'm not strong enough to go through the rest of my life with this one regret.

**************
P.S. Even though I tried to remain neutral on the phone with Jerry when I called with the not-so-good news, he knew that I was hurting. He came by work later in the day and brought me flowers. I cried...again.

11 Punches:

At 6:37 PM, Anonymous erin said...

I hope your ovaries pick up speed and kick out some good follicles.

"Slow cooker," huh? Never heard that one before.

 
At 6:39 PM, Blogger Cricket said...

First, you are not to blame! Don't be so hard on yourself.

Also, it sounds like a little knowledge isn't enough. To regain a little control/power, maybe you should go back and ask more about your numbers history. It would help you make better decisions.

Flowers, tho. What a sweetie.

 
At 8:22 AM, Blogger LuLu said...

I'm sorry that this cycle isn't going well for you. I've had bad cycles that were cancelled and bad cycles that picked up and got better. I wish you the best of luck.....

babydust!!!

 
At 1:28 PM, Anonymous Alexa said...

I, too hope your ovaries pull themselves together and start producing more follicles. Also, read about Cass's recent cycle (at http://manyamiletogo.blogspot.com/ ).
She was a slow responder but had a great cycle--and it worked!
Good luck sweetie, and try to know that none of this is your fault.

 
At 6:14 PM, Anonymous joie said...

I'm sorry you got disappointing news. I hope its just a little speed bump and you catch up soon. Good luck!

 
At 7:32 AM, Blogger DD said...

Cricket, you are right that I need to get more info. Not only am I questioning what was going on with my estrogen during the IUI's; but why didn't they put me on Lupron in the week prior to my period starting which seems to be a rather common protocol in IVF.

Thanks everyone for your support. It truly does help.

 
At 9:23 AM, Blogger scissorbill said...

Don't give up yet. I know how it feels to try to convince yourself that things won't work out, it's like putting on an invisible shield so you don't get hurt as much. I'll keep your ovaries in my prayers.

 
At 2:11 PM, Anonymous thalia said...

I was also a slow cooker, and ended up with 8 follicles, 6 eggs, so don't count yourself out yet. Slow often means good quality eggs, so keep going.

And also, as cricket said, ask for that additional info.

 
At 6:05 PM, Anonymous Leggy said...

I'm sorry you are having such a tough time. I agree with the others re: don't rule out this cycle yet.

Please don't blame yourself, and for god sake's don't think it has anything to do with what you've done wrong in your life. If that were really true (eg, what goes around, comes around), then I must have really done some majorly screwed up things in my life to deserve losing my brother, my dad, my uncle and have 8 years of IF heaped on top. Sorry, just not true. Sometimes crap just happens in our lives. It sucks, and it hurts, but its no one's fault.

Keep us posted.

 
At 7:09 AM, Anonymous Molly said...

Shittt. Sorry about this, DD. Hold on -- there's definitely still hope.

 
At 2:46 PM, Blogger April said...

I go through the same thing, wondering what I've been punished for. It's difficult, but I'm learning that unfortunately these things just happen - and you, nor I, nor anyone else for that matter deserves it.

Thinking of you and wishing you peace.

 

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