What "Lurking" Means To Me

The past couple of weeks since our 3rd IUI (or 2nd depending on whether or not you get to count the cancelled IUI) presented us with yet another Big Fat Negative, I found myself more and more of a lurker than blogger, and I'm not sure what to think about that. I wanted to blog because I felt it was a good way to "talk" out the insecurities, pain, and general crappy feelings I was going through with other bloggers going through this soulsuckingheartbreaking ordeal politely referred to as infertility. Frankly, I thought posting would make me feel better. I don't know if it has.

Instead as a lurker, I find myself linked to the same incredibe cache' of friends. Yes, friends. No one is a stranger, and I have yet to find one comment to any post in the past 3 months I've been surfing the IF Blogger's World that was anything but positive and uplifting. THAT makes me feel better.

Maybe I don't feel it's appropriate to post about IF when Jerry and I have decided to sit this round out. Right now, I feel like I should just log out and go to bed instead of posting what right now feels like a token offering to what few lurkers I have. In fact, I'm grimacing at my screen now, and if I'm not careful, the botox will wear off long before the 5 months has come to pass.

On the other hand, I need to stay in a groove. The appointment with Dr. M. for this coming Monday was postponed to Tuesday, and then nearly cancelled as her father has become quite ill, which I'm surprised her clinic would allow the staff to mention. I have not breathed another word about a donor to Jerry. I will see how well he stands his ground when a professional tells him that it may be only one of our two choices, with the other being laying out a great deal of cash, which we just don't have right now. He can tell me in the privacy of our bedroom and under the cloak of pride that he wants a baby to be "ours", but once in the harsh light of reality and statistics, he may put aside all that and let his heart guide him. And, I know without a shadow of a doubt, that he wants Max to have a baby brother or sister.

So, I will hold onto that sliver of hope like some piece of driftwood and hope that the waters don't get too rough or change course.

P.S. I would like to personally and publicly thank Thalia for adding my link to her blog page; and to Barren Mare who sent me the most heart-warming thank-you anyone could possibly deserve. You two are at the top of my list (the GOOD one), and have touched me deeply with your sincerity, wisdom and strength.