Sunday, January 08, 2006

Sanity Check: 24 Hours Later

Weird day yesterday. I felt good mentally for the beginning half of the day, but my mood took a one-eighty by 7:00 pm. In the morning, as you know from yesterday's post, I had felt at peace with what had happened and what was being planned for the immediate future, which will be the FET.

I should elaborate a bit on the FET schedule: Dr. Blinksalot informed us that we could move directly into the procedure once the most expensive period I will probably have, begins. In other words, CD1 will also be Day 1 of the FET cycle. If we had opted for IVF#2, we would have had to do one cycle on BCP (Birth Control Pills), then the IVF cycle. I think knowing that I don't have to "waste" a month off was one of the reasons I was feeling some optimism earlier.

And yes, I had also said in an earlier post that I didn't know if we would move forward with ANYTHING. That's my frustration and grief talking. If it was up to me, I would keep trying every available treatment there was until I had a sibling for X. But Mr. DD would never allow that. I fear a huge argument will ensue *if* the FET fails on what we will do next. I find his aversion to a donor to be nothing more than a shield to his male ego. But then again, am I so desperate for a baby that I wouldn't care if it was his baby or a stranger's? Some serious and sobering thoughts. Thoughts that took hold of me during the early afternoon yesterday and contributed to my good mood taking a stumbling trip out the door.

Also part of the problem yesterday was we went to The Metro. Mr. DD had purchased tickets to see this event as a surprise to X. Tickets to see some Monster Trucks. Now before you make any snap decisions as to my IQ or taste, I opted to go with the two boys so I could see the look on X's face when he found out what we were doing. The event and all it's sights and smells will have to be saved for a later post - including pictures! I'm sure you'll be on the edge of your seats 'till then, right?

Anyway, we went to The Metro. I feel like Pavlov's dog and have been conditioned to abhore the trip. It use to be associated with a relaxing day full of shopping, but now has become the 2 hour anxiety-filled trip to the RE (how are my E2 levels? will I have cysts? will there be any follicles? how big will they be? what will be my due date if I get pg this time? and on and on and on...). So I began to think about those emotions and didn't want to mention them to Mr. DD on a day that was supposed to be filled with fun. Then when we arrived, we had planned to eat an early supper before the show started so we went to F^mous D^ve's. It ended up being the last straw for my good humour.

We were seated in the exact same spot we had been over 4 1/2 years ago when we had found out we were pregnant and we had been invited to eat there with Mr. DD's niece, her then fiance' and his family to celebrate their engagement. I was nauseous and could barely eat. I think I was only 6 weeks and we didn't want to trump the engagement party with an announcement of our pregnancy so I sat in what I now realize was the most wonderous misery. It brought back so many emotions and feelings including how I would give anything to go back to those days when infertility and miscarriage were awful things that happened to other couples, not us. Now that same niece is expecting her first baby in just a couple of months. And as we were sitting there, two couples sat next to us. One couple was considerably older and it was easy to figure they were the parents of the girl, who was very pregnant. I was subjected to their discussions of how she was already dialated and so much effaced. My appetite had vanished and I was left with nothing more than a bitter taste in my mouth.

Will I ever make it out of purgatory? How does one ever make peace with any of this?

4 Punches:

At 11:59 AM, Anonymous Mary Scarlet said...

I hope you don't even have to consider what to do if the FET doesn't work. I know it's good in theory to try to have a plan B, but when plan A is enough to be getting along with ... And I don't believe we ever make peace with it, DD. I'm sure it hurts a lot less when we finally succeed, but it's a fundamental cosmic injustice that can really never be righted. I hope you get to the other side very soon so you can tell us whether I'm right or not! Glad to hear you'll be moving along quickly. Good luck.

At 1:12 PM, Blogger Spanglish said...

Mary Scarlet is a smart cookie... I doubt peace will ever come whether or not one succeeds. This is such a life and psyche altering experience. I feel like I've lost so much innocence.

Plan B... Plan A is no fun at all, but Plan B is worse. I hope you don't have to go there.

At 7:28 AM, Anonymous thalia said...

Oh how I wish I had an answer for you. And this after the catholic church just abolished limbo. Someone forgot about all of us.

At 8:16 AM, Blogger LeggyP said...

DD- I know its hard, but try not to let your mind go there re: plan B. I've made that mistake too many times and all that ends up happening is that I just borrow trouble before I needed to. I am currently on Plan K, and its only now, 8.5 years into IF that I'm realizing that worrying about Plans L, M, and N right now only create unneeded stress and anxiety while I'm still trying to deal with Plan K.
Glad to hear you can move along with the next cycle. Got everything crossed for you.
Sorry about your lunch yesterday- ugh! Am curious to hear about the Monster Trucks and X's reaction. The Cutie Pie would flip!


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